"Hi my name is Bernie and I'm a Golfer..."
While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I'm
debating whether golf is a sport or a drug.
From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of a
golf addiction
·
Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot)
·
Association with known substance abusers (other golfers)
·
Constantly spending money on achieving more, better "highs"
·
Flying to foreign countries to find the best "stuff"
·
Uncharacteristically passive behavior; or combative and
argumentative behavior
·
Gradual development of dysfunction, especially in job performance or
school work
·
Availability and consumption of substance becomes the focus of
social or professional activities
·
Abrupt changes in work or school attendance, quality of work, work
output, grades, discipline
·
Impaired interpersonal relationships; troubled marriage,
unexplainable termination of deep relationships, alienation from
close family members
·
Significant changes in sleeping and waking hours (i.e. waking up at
6:00AM on Saturday mornings)
Common Denials
I am NOT addicted. I can stop any time I want. Really. No, really I
could if I wanted to. Just to prove I have some will power left, I'm
not going to subscribe to the Golf Channel, at least not until
February.
It seems that when I need a higher fix on golf I know I can go to
someone that can give me something better. He's a local guy. They
call him "The Pro.” He usually has some pretty good stuff for me to
try.
20 Signs You Could Be "Addicted to Golf"
1.
Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the
British Open on a Saturday night.
2.
You curse the game only to play it the next day.
3.
You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for
four and half hours.
4.
You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it
for a week.
5.
You secretly wish evil on your playing partners.
6.
A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.
7.
You cringe when your better half asks you if you have
anything to do on Sunday.
8.
Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.
9.
Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and
magazines.
10.
You make small practice swings in church during the services.
11.
You smile even if you lose the weekend Nassau, and then
proceed to bang your head to the wall inside the shower.
12.
You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you
own.
13.
Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.
14.
When your playing partner says he sees lightning, your reply
is "what lightning?"
15.
You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to
anyone who will listen.
16.
Tell the same person you read the tip from David Leadbetter's
book, after realizing that you were talking to the club pro.
17.
Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.
18.
People in your family get their supply of sunscreen from you
when they go swimming.
19.
You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.
20.
You took the time to read this.
The Final Analysis
·
When you stop playing golf, if you wake up at night in a cold sweat
and you can't breath until you swing a club, you're probably
addicted.
·
If when the boss is really on your case and all you can think of is
getting to the first tee, golf is a coping mechanism.
·
If all you can think of is golf, even while you are having fun, you
are probably obsessed. Of course none of this applies if you can
make a living at it. Then you are just a pro.
·
Whatever you do, stay away from counselors, analysts, etc. Remember,
an addiction is whatever they can bill for.
·
Don't worry. We understand there's a new 18-step program available
now to help us deal with it.
Return to the Top
499 Reasons and
Excuses to Go Play Golf
1.
1.
A free round of golf was included with lessons.
2.
A free round of golf was thrown in for test-driving the car.
3.
After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on
golf.
4.
All the cool kids play golf.
5.
All the executives from my company play this course.
6.
All the pin placements are forward today.
7.
All the TV shows are reruns.
8.
Because I am retired.
9.
Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going
golfing.
10.
Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
11.
Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!
12.
Free beer at the turn.
13.
Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.
14.
Golf brings our my best competitive nature.
15.
Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts
again.
16.
Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she
can't talk constantly.
17.
Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
18.
History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
19.
I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
20.
I always meet interesting people on the course.
21.
I always play well when it rains.
22.
I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.
23.
I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today,
so I'm going.
24.
I am required to golf for work; I love my job.
25.
I am sick of playing golf on my computer. I want to play for
real.
26.
I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.
27.
I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft
and sand grooved grips. I need to try it but.
28.
I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.
29.
I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.
30.
I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5
strokes off your score.
31.
I called in sick at work.
32.
I came home from work, and a note instructed me to leave and
go golfing.
33.
I can expense it for business purposes.
34.
I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.
35.
I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting
again.
36.
I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance
crew.
37.
I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.
38.
I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try the
real thing.
39.
I couldn't golf when I was married, so any time is good now.
40.
I do all my praying on the course.
41.
I don't have a logo ball from that course.
42.
I don't have time for the driving range, but I have time to
play 18.
43.
I enjoy driving the golf carts.
44.
I enjoy hitting things.
45.
I enjoy looking for my ball in the rough.
46.
I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.
47.
I enjoy nature.
48.
I enjoy the peace and quiet on the course.
49.
I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.
50.
I enjoy wearing golf caps.
51.
I finally can make my ball go left to right.
52.
I finally have a chance to play with someone worse than me.
53.
I finished all my projects at work.
54.
I finished cutting my grass.
55.
I gambled away my mortgage money last week, so I need to win
it back today.
56.
I gave up intimacy with my wife, so this is my new vice.
57.
I get depressed when I don't play.
58.
I get more work done on the course than at the office.
59.
I collect used tees in all the tee boxes.
60.
I could finally afford a pair of name brand clubs - I want to
see if I can break 120!
61.
I golf around Chicago, hoping to see Michael Jordan.
62.
I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.
63.
I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.
64.
I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my
birthday.
65.
I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.
66.
I got a new pair of knickers.
67.
I got a super deal on a golf package.
68.
I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)
69.
I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.
70.
I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the
club.
71.
I got new license plates for my golf cart today. I want to
see how they look.
72.
I got the hots for the beer girl.
73.
I got the membership as a gift for Christmas.
74.
I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try
them out.
75.
I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.
76.
I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.
77.
I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.
78.
I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!
79.
I had to drive all the way to another city to help you move,
I'm sure going to golf.
80.
I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends.
81.
I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.
82.
I hate NASCAR, and that's all that's on TV.
83.
I have a coupon from the newspaper.
84.
I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.
85.
I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go
golfing.
86.
I have a rain check from yesterday.
87.
I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.
88.
I have already seen all the movies at the video store, so I'm
going golfing.
89.
I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at
the club.
90.
I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh
air.
91.
I have been practicing putting on my carpet; now I want to
see if the practice has paid off.
92.
I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.
93.
I have been taking golf vitamins, which are supposed to allow
me to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.
94.
I have been watching the golf channel for 48 hours straight.
I am psyched to try what I learned.
95.
I have been working way too hard; I need to relax.
96.
I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.
97.
I have never eagled a hole before. I feel lucky.
98.
I have never had the chance to golf in Arizona.
-
I have never
played a canyon course before.
100.
I have not played since last summer.
101.
I have only played that course on my computer.
102.
I have some extra money for greens fees from my company's
profit sharing.
103.
I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I
do.
104.
I have to get used to my new putter.
105.
I have to golf as much as possible. Here in Alaska we can
only golf 4 months out of the year.
106.
I have to golf; it's a guy thing.
107.
I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!
108.
I have to make sure my back stays loose.
109.
I have to pay the country club dues; I might as well get my
money out of it.
110.
I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.
111.
I have to practice for the tournament next week.
112.
I have to see how my new lesson worked out.
113.
I have to see if I eliminated my slice.
114.
I have to see if my new sunglasses really help me read the
greens better.
115.
I have to see if these new golf balls will float.
116.
I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it was
in the prenuptial.
117.
I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.
118.
I have to test this new allergy medicine - the course is the
perfect testing ground.
119.
I have to try my new sand wedge.
120.
I have to try out this new hat.
121.
I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away.
122.
I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.
123.
I heard a new tee box was added.
124.
I heard golf is much easier when you're sober, so I have to
try it.
125.
I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat
courses.
126.
I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.
127.
I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn. I have
to crown the new bathroom.
128.
I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.
129.
I just bought a new golf glove off the web.
130.
I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with the slip-proof
soft-spikes.
131.
I just bought a putter that is guaranteed to cut 10 strokes
off my round.
132.
I just bought my new car; I need to see if it will make it
all the way to the course.
133.
I just bought some slice-proof tees.
134.
I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they
work.
135.
I just can get more business done on the course.
136.
I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee
box each morning.
137.
I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I
improved.
138.
I just finished the book titled 'Learn to Golf in Twenty
Minutes'.
139.
I just got a new yardage gauge.
140.
I just got an 87-degree wedge that if swung properly, will go
backwards.
141.
I just got new glasses; I have to see if I can follow the
ball.
142.
I just got the high spin, titanium-tungsten-liquid filled
golf balls.
143.
I just got tungsten irons in the mail.
144.
I just had graphite shafts put on my clubs.
145.
I just learned how to hit the ball left to right. I think I
can finally control the ball.
146.
I just like wearing golf shoes; they are so comfortable.
147.
I just love screaming the word 'Fore'.
148.
I just love teeing it high and letting it fly.
149.
I just love to golf new courses.
150.
I just love to golf!
151.
I just play well when the wind blows out of the north.
152.
I just rarely get the opportunity to play that course.
153.
I just received my unemployment check.
154.
I just returned from Antarctica. I am really craving the
frustration of playing bad golf.
155.
I just turned 65; I can now play the gold tees.
156.
I just want to play an entire round without a shank.
157.
I just won the slice-free driver.
158.
I kept missing the balls playing softball.
159.
I learn from the other player's swing.
160.
I learned a new putting technique, which makes me only
one-putt.
161.
I like collecting yardage books.
162.
I like going swimming in the clubhouse pool after I golf.
163.
I like golfing because I can pee outside.
164.
I like playing cards in the locker room when I'm done
golfing.
165.
I like playing scrambles.
166.
I like playing with these guys; they don't make me putt out.
167.
I like reading long putts.
168.
I like saving score cards from every round I play.
169.
I like seeing my footprints on the dew in the early morning.
170.
I like seeing the fish in the ponds when I look for my ball.
171.
I like taking the perfect divot.
172.
I like the beer girl, so I have to play every day in order to
talk with her.
173.
I like the benches at the tee boxes.
174.
I like the break of the greens on this course.
175.
I like the feeling of the wind blowing in my hair when I
drive the golf cart.
176.
I like to think about life while I golf.
177.
I like using the ball washers.
178.
I like watching the geese on the course.
179.
I liked playing in the sand as a child; I simply continue to
enjoy it as an adult (kind of).
180.
I lost all the skins last week; I need to try and win the
money back.
181.
I lost my driver's license and the closest place to walk is
the golf course.
182.
I lost my keys on the course last year, and I'm going to keep
playing until I find them.
183.
I lost my work ID, so I might as well go golfing.
184.
I lost too many balls playing tennis; I want to try golf!
185.
I love long par-5's over ponds.
186.
I love the decision-making part of golfing.
187.
I love the way the sun rises on the fairway.
188.
I may be able to play by myself. I always score better!
189.
I missed my flight because security was backed up, so I might
as well go golfing.
190.
I missed the shuttle bus, so I can't go to work.
191.
I need practice; the Masters is on TV next week.
192.
I need some money excuses for bad golf shots - I am writing a
book!
193.
I need some peace and quiet.
194.
I need to break in my new golf shoes.
195.
I need to find more golf balls, and it's the best place to
look.
196.
I need to get a better tan. It's never cloudy on a golf
course.
197.
I need to get out on the course before it snows any more.
198.
I need to lose some weight; it's the perfect exercise.
199.
I need to play 20 time to get my handicap established.
200.
I need to see if my clubs will fit into the trunk of the new
car.
201.
I need to teach my son how to drive. The golf cart is the
perfect instructional tool.
202.
I need to try and fish my driver out of the pond. I left it
there last time I played.
203.
I need to try my new carry bag.
204.
I need to try my new spike less shoes.
205.
I need to try my newly regripped ball retriever.
206.
I need to work on my slice.
207.
I never regret going golfing.
208.
I only need eleven more rounds to establish my handicap.
209.
I played so bad last week; I just want to get back out.
210.
I prayed I would shoot even par.
211.
I quit smoking, and a golf course provides a lot of fresh
air.
212.
I read it was good aerobic exercise.
213.
I read somewhere golf is good for the back.
214.
I really just like the scenery on the golf course.
215.
I really like a good challenge; golf is the only sport that
humbles my ego.
216.
I really need some form of exercise.
217.
I received a demo package of the liquid core golf balls.
218.
I received a new sleeve of balls for my birthday.
219.
I slowed down my back swing. Now I need to see if it helps my
game.
220.
I sponsored a hole at the charity event.
221.
I sprayed my balls with silicon, which guarantees my ball
won't slice.
222.
I started to follow through on my swing.
223.
I support my family by selling the golf balls I find in the
woods.
224.
I think I can finally beat my wife.
225.
I think I can win closest to the pin in the charity golf
outing.
226.
I took the day off because my office is being painted.
227.
I usually play real strong on the nineteenth hole.
228.
I want to become a professional golfer, so I need the
practice.
229.
I want to play in Denver; the ball flies farther.
230.
I want to see if my new ball retriever works.
231.
I want to show off my new sand wedge.
232.
I want to try our my new lob wedge.
233.
I want to try that new glow-in-the-dark golf.
234.
I was laid off, so I might as well go golfing.
235.
I was late for my job interview, so I might as well go
golfing.
236.
I was motivated by play on the U.S Open.
237.
I was physically forced to join the company's golf league.
238.
I was their one-millionth golfer and I was given a year's
worth of greens fees.
239.
I wasn't able to golf in outing last week, so I'll go today.
240.
I watched the pros on TV, and it looks easy, so I want to try
it.
241.
I went to the ballet last night, so my wife s letting me go
golfing today.
242.
I woke up in the parking lot of the golf course.
243.
I won a new set of clubs; I no longer have to rent clubs.
244.
I won green fees in the employee raffle.
245.
I work nights; I have nothing else to do during the day.
246.
If you buy a dozen golf balls at the pro shop on Tuesdays,
they will let you stay and play.
247.
I'm getting married this afternoon. I need to sneak in 36.
248.
I'm happiest on the golf course.
249.
I'm home shopping, and my real estate agent is taking me
golfing to show me a few houses.
250.
I'm hopelessly addicted to golfing.
251.
I'm hungry and a hot dog just tastes better on the course.
252.
I'm locked out of the house and I only have keys to the car
trunk (where my clubs are).
253.
I'm so late for work; I'm just not even going to go in.
254.
I'm trying to conserve energy, and the course uses electric
carts.
255.
It feels great fixing ball marks on the green.
256.
It gets me out of the house.
257.
It is a three-day weekend and my wife has to work.
258.
It is an opportunity to meet new friends.
259.
It is better than cleaning out the garage.
260.
It is rumored they lowered the cost of beer at the course.
261.
It is the first day all week it has not rained.
262.
It was my mum's suggestion.
263.
It was such a long winter; this spring weather makes me feel
like golfing.
264.
It's a habit.
265.
It's a holiday; what else should I do?
266.
It's a league play day.
267.
It's a requirement at the next sales meeting.
268.
It's an absolutely beautiful day; they can't possibly need me
at work.
269.
It's an opportunity to play a course I have never played
before.
270.
It's Augusta!
271.
It's easier than doing my taxes.
272.
It's Father's Day; I'll do what I feel like.
273.
It's half price green fees before noon.
274.
It's my wedding anniversary, so I'm going golfing.
275.
It's rained a lot lately. My long irons will stick the green.
276.
It's raining, and I need to see if my new rain gear is
effective.
277.
It's the first day above 50 degrees.
278.
It's the first day of spring; I might as well go golfing.
279.
It's the first day of the summer.
280.
It's the only challenge I find (besides talking with my
wife).
281.
It's the only fun thing I can do with my family.
282.
It's the only place I know where I can get a free pencil.
283.
It's the only place where I know women won't bother me.
284.
It's the only sport I can take up at age 60.
285.
It's the only thing I can do at 5.30am.
286.
It's the only thing to do in Las Vegas.
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