The following “Golf Stuff” in a compilation of good and funny stuff that we have found out there in golf cyberspace, and have purloined for the enjoyment and amusement of our visitors. We apologize for not giving credit to the fine folks that we have stolen all of this “Golf Stuff” from, but we do appreciate them allowing us to pass their stuff on to our visitors.

Note: If you think there is something the Myrtle Beach Golf Association should add to, or address, in “Golf Stuff” please e-mail us at Info@mbga.com

Note 2: If you find repeated items, which you probably will, just ignore it and continue on, because that’s exactly what we do!

• ADDICTED TO GOLF

• 499 REASONS AND EXCUSES TO GO PLAY GOLF

• BUSINESS GOLF

• CHARACTERS AT THE GOLF CLUB

• TOP 10 GOLF LISTS

• GOLF TRUTHS

• TEN RULES OF GOLF

• BEDROOM GOLF RULES

• GOLF TERMS AND GOLF TALK

• GOLF QUOTES

• GOLF FACTOIDS

• GOLF ONE-LINERS

• GOLF JOKES

Addicted to Golf  

"Hi my name is Bernie and I'm a Golfer..."

While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I'm debating whether golf is a sport or a drug.

From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of a golf addiction

·         Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot)

·         Association with known substance abusers (other golfers)

·         Constantly spending money on achieving more, better "highs"

·         Flying to foreign countries to find the best "stuff"

·         Uncharacteristically passive behavior; or combative and argumentative behavior

·         Gradual development of dysfunction, especially in job performance or school work

·         Availability and consumption of substance becomes the focus of social or professional activities

·         Abrupt changes in work or school attendance, quality of work, work output, grades, discipline

·         Impaired interpersonal relationships; troubled marriage, unexplainable termination of deep relationships, alienation from close family members

·         Significant changes in sleeping and waking hours (i.e. waking up at 6:00AM on Saturday mornings)

Common Denials

I am NOT addicted. I can stop any time I want. Really. No, really I could if I wanted to. Just to prove I have some will power left, I'm not going to subscribe to the Golf Channel, at least not until February.

It seems that when I need a higher fix on golf I know I can go to someone that can give me something better. He's a local guy. They call him "The Pro.” He usually has some pretty good stuff for me to try.

20 Signs You Could Be "Addicted to Golf"

1.      Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open on a Saturday night.

2.      You curse the game only to play it the next day.

3.      You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half hours.

4.      You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.

5.      You secretly wish evil on your playing partners.

6.      A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.

7.      You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday.

8.      Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.

9.      Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.

10.   You make small practice swings in church during the services.

11.   You smile even if you lose the weekend Nassau, and then proceed to bang your head to the wall inside the shower.

12.   You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.

13.   Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.

14.   When your playing partner says he sees lightning, your reply is "what lightning?"

15.   You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to anyone who will listen.

16.   Tell the same person you read the tip from David Leadbetter's book, after realizing that you were talking to the club pro.

17.   Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.

18.   People in your family get their supply of sunscreen from you when they go swimming.

19.   You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.

20.   You took the time to read this.

The Final Analysis

·         When you stop playing golf, if you wake up at night in a cold sweat and you can't breath until you swing a club, you're probably addicted.

·         If when the boss is really on your case and all you can think of is getting to the first tee, golf is a coping mechanism.

·         If all you can think of is golf, even while you are having fun, you are probably obsessed. Of course none of this applies if you can make a living at it. Then you are just a pro.

·         Whatever you do, stay away from counselors, analysts, etc. Remember, an addiction is whatever they can bill for.

·         Don't worry. We understand there's a new 18-step program available now to help us deal with it.

Return to the Top

499 Reasons and Excuses to Go Play Golf

1.      

1.       A free round of golf was included with lessons.

2.       A free round of golf was thrown in for test-driving the car.

3.       After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.

4.       All the cool kids play golf.

5.       All the executives from my company play this course.

6.       All the pin placements are forward today.

7.       All the TV shows are reruns.

8.       Because I am retired.

9.       Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing.

10.   Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.

11.   Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

12.   Free beer at the turn.

13.   Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.

14.   Golf brings our my best competitive nature.

15.   Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.

16.   Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constantly.

17.   Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.

18.   History dictates the more I play, the better I get.

19.   I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.

20.   I always meet interesting people on the course.

21.   I always play well when it rains.

22.   I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.

23.   I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today, so I'm going.

24.   I am required to golf for work; I love my job.

25.   I am sick of playing golf on my computer. I want to play for real.

26.   I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.

27.   I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft and sand grooved grips. I need to try it but.

28.   I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

29.   I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.

30.   I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes off your score.

31.   I called in sick at work.

32.   I came home from work, and a note instructed me to leave and go golfing.

33.   I can expense it for business purposes.

34.   I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.

35.   I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.

36.   I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.

37.   I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.

38.   I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try the real thing.

39.   I couldn't golf when I was married, so any time is good now.

40.   I do all my praying on the course.

41.   I don't have a logo ball from that course.

42.   I don't have time for the driving range, but I have time to play 18.

43.   I enjoy driving the golf carts.

44.   I enjoy hitting things.

45.   I enjoy looking for my ball in the rough.

46.   I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.

47.   I enjoy nature.

48.   I enjoy the peace and quiet on the course.

49.   I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.

50.   I enjoy wearing golf caps.

51.   I finally can make my ball go left to right.

52.   I finally have a chance to play with someone worse than me.

53.   I finished all my projects at work.

54.   I finished cutting my grass.

55.   I gambled away my mortgage money last week, so I need to win it back today.

56.   I gave up intimacy with my wife, so this is my new vice.

57.   I get depressed when I don't play.

58.   I get more work done on the course than at the office.

59.   I collect used tees in all the tee boxes.

60.   I could finally afford a pair of name brand clubs - I want to see if I can break 120!

61.   I golf around Chicago, hoping to see Michael Jordan.

62.   I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.

63.   I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.

64.   I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.

65.   I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.

66.   I got a new pair of knickers.

67.   I got a super deal on a golf package.

68.   I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)

69.   I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.

70.   I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.

71.   I got new license plates for my golf cart today. I want to see how they look.

72.   I got the hots for the beer girl.

73.   I got the membership as a gift for Christmas.

74.   I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try them out.

75.   I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.

76.   I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.

77.   I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.

78.   I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!

79.   I had to drive all the way to another city to help you move, I'm sure going to golf.

80.   I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends.

81.   I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.

82.   I hate NASCAR, and that's all that's on TV.

83.   I have a coupon from the newspaper.

84.   I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.

85.   I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.

86.   I have a rain check from yesterday.

87.   I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.

88.   I have already seen all the movies at the video store, so I'm going golfing.

89.   I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.

90.   I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.

91.   I have been practicing putting on my carpet; now I want to see if the practice has paid off.

92.   I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.

93.   I have been taking golf vitamins, which are supposed to allow me to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.

94.   I have been watching the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched to try what I learned.

95.   I have been working way too hard; I need to relax.

96.   I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.

97.   I have never eagled a hole before. I feel lucky.

98.   I have never had the chance to golf in Arizona.

99. I have never played a canyon course before.

100.      I have not played since last summer.

101.      I have only played that course on my computer.

102.      I have some extra money for greens fees from my company's profit sharing.

103.      I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I do.

104.      I have to get used to my new putter.

105.      I have to golf as much as possible. Here in Alaska we can only golf 4 months out of the year.

106.      I have to golf; it's a guy thing.

107.      I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!

108.      I have to make sure my back stays loose.

109.      I have to pay the country club dues; I might as well get my money out of it.

110.      I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.

111.      I have to practice for the tournament next week.

112.      I have to see how my new lesson worked out.

113.      I have to see if I eliminated my slice.

114.      I have to see if my new sunglasses really help me read the greens better.

115.      I have to see if these new golf balls will float.

116.      I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it was in the prenuptial.

117.      I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.

118.      I have to test this new allergy medicine - the course is the perfect testing ground.

119.      I have to try my new sand wedge.

120.      I have to try out this new hat.

121.      I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away.

122.      I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.

123.      I heard a new tee box was added.

124.      I heard golf is much easier when you're sober, so I have to try it.

125.      I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.

126.      I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.

127.      I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn. I have to crown the new bathroom.

128.      I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.

129.      I just bought a new golf glove off the web.

130.      I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with the slip-proof soft-spikes.

131.      I just bought a putter that is guaranteed to cut 10 strokes off my round.

132.      I just bought my new car; I need to see if it will make it all the way to the course.

133.      I just bought some slice-proof tees.

134.      I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they work.

135.      I just can get more business done on the course.

136.      I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee box each morning.

137.      I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I improved.

138.      I just finished the book titled 'Learn to Golf in Twenty Minutes'.

139.      I just got a new yardage gauge.

140.      I just got an 87-degree wedge that if swung properly, will go backwards.

141.      I just got new glasses; I have to see if I can follow the ball.

142.      I just got the high spin, titanium-tungsten-liquid filled golf balls.

143.      I just got tungsten irons in the mail.

144.      I just had graphite shafts put on my clubs.

145.      I just learned how to hit the ball left to right. I think I can finally control the ball.

146.      I just like wearing golf shoes; they are so comfortable.

147.      I just love screaming the word 'Fore'.

148.      I just love teeing it high and letting it fly.

149.      I just love to golf new courses.

150.      I just love to golf!

151.      I just play well when the wind blows out of the north.

152.      I just rarely get the opportunity to play that course.

153.      I just received my unemployment check.

154.      I just returned from Antarctica. I am really craving the frustration of playing bad golf.

155.      I just turned 65; I can now play the gold tees.

156.      I just want to play an entire round without a shank.

157.      I just won the slice-free driver.

158.      I kept missing the balls playing softball.

159.      I learn from the other player's swing.

160.      I learned a new putting technique, which makes me only one-putt.

161.      I like collecting yardage books.

162.      I like going swimming in the clubhouse pool after I golf.

163.      I like golfing because I can pee outside.

164.      I like playing cards in the locker room when I'm done golfing.

165.      I like playing scrambles.

166.      I like playing with these guys; they don't make me putt out.

167.      I like reading long putts.

168.      I like saving score cards from every round I play.

169.      I like seeing my footprints on the dew in the early morning.

170.      I like seeing the fish in the ponds when I look for my ball.

171.      I like taking the perfect divot.

172.      I like the beer girl, so I have to play every day in order to talk with her.

173.      I like the benches at the tee boxes.

174.      I like the break of the greens on this course.

175.      I like the feeling of the wind blowing in my hair when I drive the golf cart.

176.      I like to think about life while I golf.

177.      I like using the ball washers.

178.      I like watching the geese on the course.

179.      I liked playing in the sand as a child; I simply continue to enjoy it as an adult (kind of).

180.      I lost all the skins last week; I need to try and win the money back.

181.      I lost my driver's license and the closest place to walk is the golf course.

182.      I lost my keys on the course last year, and I'm going to keep playing until I find them.

183.      I lost my work ID, so I might as well go golfing.

184.      I lost too many balls playing tennis; I want to try golf!

185.      I love long par-5's over ponds.

186.      I love the decision-making part of golfing.

187.      I love the way the sun rises on the fairway.

188.      I may be able to play by myself. I always score better!

189.      I missed my flight because security was backed up, so I might as well go golfing.

190.      I missed the shuttle bus, so I can't go to work.

191.      I need practice; the Masters is on TV next week.

192.      I need some money excuses for bad golf shots - I am writing a book!

193.      I need some peace and quiet.

194.      I need to break in my new golf shoes.

195.      I need to find more golf balls, and it's the best place to look.

196.      I need to get a better tan. It's never cloudy on a golf course.

197.      I need to get out on the course before it snows any more.

198.      I need to lose some weight; it's the perfect exercise.

199.      I need to play 20 time to get my handicap established.

200.      I need to see if my clubs will fit into the trunk of the new car.

201.      I need to teach my son how to drive. The golf cart is the perfect instructional tool.

202.      I need to try and fish my driver out of the pond. I left it there last time I played.

203.      I need to try my new carry bag.

204.      I need to try my new spike less shoes.

205.      I need to try my newly regripped ball retriever.

206.      I need to work on my slice.

207.      I never regret going golfing.

208.      I only need eleven more rounds to establish my handicap.

209.      I played so bad last week; I just want to get back out.

210.      I prayed I would shoot even par.

211.      I quit smoking, and a golf course provides a lot of fresh air.

212.      I read it was good aerobic exercise.

213.      I read somewhere golf is good for the back.

214.      I really just like the scenery on the golf course.

215.      I really like a good challenge; golf is the only sport that humbles my ego.

216.      I really need some form of exercise.

217.      I received a demo package of the liquid core golf balls.

218.      I received a new sleeve of balls for my birthday.

219.      I slowed down my back swing. Now I need to see if it helps my game.

220.      I sponsored a hole at the charity event.

221.      I sprayed my balls with silicon, which guarantees my ball won't slice.

222.      I started to follow through on my swing.

223.      I support my family by selling the golf balls I find in the woods.

224.      I think I can finally beat my wife.

225.      I think I can win closest to the pin in the charity golf outing.

226.      I took the day off because my office is being painted.

227.      I usually play real strong on the nineteenth hole.

228.      I want to become a professional golfer, so I need the practice.

229.      I want to play in Denver; the ball flies farther.

230.      I want to see if my new ball retriever works.

231.      I want to show off my new sand wedge.

232.      I want to try our my new lob wedge.

233.      I want to try that new glow-in-the-dark golf.

234.      I was laid off, so I might as well go golfing.

235.      I was late for my job interview, so I might as well go golfing.

236.      I was motivated by play on the U.S Open.

237.      I was physically forced to join the company's golf league.

238.      I was their one-millionth golfer and I was given a year's worth of greens fees.

239.      I wasn't able to golf in outing last week, so I'll go today.

240.      I watched the pros on TV, and it looks easy, so I want to try it.

241.      I went to the ballet last night, so my wife s letting me go golfing today.

242.      I woke up in the parking lot of the golf course.

243.      I won a new set of clubs; I no longer have to rent clubs.

244.      I won green fees in the employee raffle.

245.      I work nights; I have nothing else to do during the day.

246.      If you buy a dozen golf balls at the pro shop on Tuesdays, they will let you stay and play.

247.      I'm getting married this afternoon. I need to sneak in 36.

248.      I'm happiest on the golf course.

249.      I'm home shopping, and my real estate agent is taking me golfing to show me a few houses.

250.      I'm hopelessly addicted to golfing.

251.      I'm hungry and a hot dog just tastes better on the course.

252.      I'm locked out of the house and I only have keys to the car trunk (where my clubs are).

253.      I'm so late for work; I'm just not even going to go in.

254.      I'm trying to conserve energy, and the course uses electric carts.

255.      It feels great fixing ball marks on the green.

256.      It gets me out of the house.

257.      It is a three-day weekend and my wife has to work.

258.      It is an opportunity to meet new friends.

259.      It is better than cleaning out the garage.

260.      It is rumored they lowered the cost of beer at the course.

261.      It is the first day all week it has not rained.

262.      It was my mum's suggestion.

263.      It was such a long winter; this spring weather makes me feel like golfing.

264.      It's a habit.

265.      It's a holiday; what else should I do?

266.      It's a league play day.

267.      It's a requirement at the next sales meeting.

268.      It's an absolutely beautiful day; they can't possibly need me at work.

269.      It's an opportunity to play a course I have never played before.

270.      It's Augusta!

271.      It's easier than doing my taxes.

272.      It's Father's Day; I'll do what I feel like.

273.      It's half price green fees before noon.

274.      It's my wedding anniversary, so I'm going golfing.

275.      It's rained a lot lately. My long irons will stick the green.

276.      It's raining, and I need to see if my new rain gear is effective.

277.      It's the first day above 50 degrees.

278.      It's the first day of spring; I might as well go golfing.

279.      It's the first day of the summer.

280.      It's the only challenge I find (besides talking with my wife).

281.      It's the only fun thing I can do with my family.

282.      It's the only place I know where I can get a free pencil.

283.      It's the only place where I know women won't bother me.

284.      It's the only sport I can take up at age 60.

285.      It's the only thing I can do at 5.30am.

286.      It's the only thing to do in Las Vegas.

287.      It's the perfect place to get together and discuss life with co-workers.

288.      It's the perfect place to teach my son anger control.

289.      It's the perfect way to get know my future father-in-law.

290.      It's where the taxi dropped me off.

291.      I've been practicing at the range every day. I need to see how I will do with a real course.

292.      I've never golfed in Scotland.

293.      I've only played 12 rounds this week; I need lucky 13.

294.      Last time I was out, I had a hole in one. I couldn't finish the round because I was so excited.

295.      Last week I almost broke 100. I have to keep trying.

296.      Monday Night Football moved back to 9.00pm, so I have the entire evening.

297.      My back hurts, so I'm going golfing.

298.      My back is finally feeling better.

299.      My best friend is taking me golfing for my bachelor party.

300.      My boss wants me to play in a scramble.

301.      My broker offered to take me.

302.      My brother-in-law has a layover on his way east, so I thought we could catch up while playing nine.

303.      My buddy is the starter, and he sneaks me on the course for free.

304.      My car is being fixed, again!

305.      My carpet at home just doesn't break like a real green.

306.      My cell phone is out of range at that course, so my boss can't reach me.

307.      My chiropractor has cracked my back, allowing me to extend my follow-through.

308.      My college roommate is in town, and it's the only thing we have in common.

309.      My company sponsored an event, and I was asked to play.

310.      My dad always pays when we go.

311.      My doctor instructed me to take up a non-stressful sport!

312.      My doctor told me to walk as much as possible. I might as well walk from the cart to my ball.

313.      My dog ran away and he always goes to the golf course.

314.      My e-mail is down at the office.

315.      My father asked me to teach him, again!

316.      My father's will stated I had to spend the money on green fees!

317.      My flight cancelled, so I need to kill a few hours.

318.      My friend keeps telling me it's fun.

319.      My game is starting to come together, and I need to keep sharp.

320.      My girlfriend asked me to get out of the house for a few hours.

321.      My girlfriend bought me a perspiration-free golf shirt.

322.      My girlfriend went out with her friends.

323.      My girlfriend went to the movies, and I need to kill a few hours.

324.      My girlfriend's grandma cooks such good meals; the course is the only place to walk off the meal.

325.      My golf pro said I have to go at least once a day.

326.      My grandfather taught me to golf and I want to keep his legacy going.

327.      My grandma instructed me to go.

328.      My horse is sick, so polo is out of the question for today.

329.      My hose is broken so I can't wash the car; I might as well go golfing.

330.      My house is being painted. I need to get out for a couple of hours.

331.      My house is being remodeled, so I need to get out of the house.

332.      My kids are away at camp.

333.      My kids keep want and try to beat me.

334.      My motorcycle broke down right in front of my favorite course.

335.      My mum is making me teach my little brother to play.

336.      My mum is taking the kids to the amusement park - so I'm taking the afternoon off.

337.      My new golf bag has a cooler that guarantees beer to stay cold for 5 hours.

338.      My new golf shorts have a special built-in pocket to hold tees.

339.      My new shoelaces are guaranteed to lower my score.

340.      My boss wants me to play in a scramble.

341.      My broker offered to take me.

342.      My brother-in-law has a layover on his way east, so I thought we could catch up while playing nine.

343.      My buddy is the starter, and he sneaks me on the course for free.

344.      My car is being fixed, again!

345.      My carpet at home just doesn't break like a real green.

346.      My cell phone is out of range at that course, so my boss can't reach me.

347.      My chiropractor has cracked my back, allowing me to extend my follow-through.

348.      My college roommate is in town, and it's the only thing we have in common.

349.      My company sponsored an event, and I was asked to play.

350.      My dad always pays when we go.

351.      My doctor instructed me to take up a non-stressful sport!

352.      My doctor told me to walk as much as possible. I might as well walk from the cart to my ball.

353.      My dog ran away and he always goes to the golf course.

354.      My e-mail is down at the office.

355.      My father asked me to teach him, again!

356.      My father's will stated I had to spend the money on green fees!

357.      My flight cancelled, so I need to kill a few hours.

358.      My friend keeps telling me it's fun.

359.      My game is starting to come together, and I need to keep sharp.

360.      My girlfriend asked me to get out of the house for a few hours.

361.      My girlfriend bought me a perspiration-free golf shirt.

362.      My girlfriend went out with her friends.

363.      My girlfriend went to the movies, and I need to kill a few hours.

364.      My girlfriend's grandma cooks such good meals; the course is the only place to walk off the meal.

365.      My golf pro said I have to go at least once a day.

366.      My grandfather taught me to golf and I want to keep his legacy going.

367.      My grandma instructed me to go.

368.      My horse is sick, so polo is out of the question for today.

369.      My hose is broken so I can't wash the car; I might as well go golfing.

370.      My house is being painted. I need to get out for a couple of hours.

371.      My house is being remodeled, so I need to get out of the house.

372.      My kids are away at camp.

373.      My kids keep want and try to beat me.

374.      My motorcycle broke down right in front of my favorite course.

375.      My mum is making me teach my little brother to play.

376.      My mum is taking the kids to the amusement park - so I'm taking the afternoon off.

377.      My new golf bag has a cooler that guarantees beer to stay cold for 5 hours.

378.      My new golf shorts have a special built-in pocket to hold tees.

379.      My new shoelaces are guaranteed to lower my score.

380.      Since winning the Lottery, I need something to occupy my time.

381.      Someone asked!

382.      Standing over a birdie putt is just thrilling.

383.      Summer is almost over, and I just have not played enough.

384.      That's where they told me to go for the job interview.

385.      The ATM made a mistake, now I have some extra money.

386.      The bachelor party starts on the golf course.

387.      The bowling alley was closed.

388.      The British Open has me all excited.

389.      The clouds are just white and puffy. Perfect golf clouds.

390.      The clubhouse was just remodeled.

391.      The clubs are the only things I got in the divorce settlement.

392.      The course does not require you to replace divots.

393.      The course guarantees no flies or mosquitoes.

394.      The course has a special before 7.00am.

395.      The course has great drinking water at the tee boxes.

396.      The course has great golf magazines in the bathroom stalls.

397.      The course has the best Philly cheese steaks at the turn.

398.      The course is allowing me to demo clubs for free today.

399.      The course is going to aerate the greens next week.

400.      The course is trying out a new program with water coolers on all the carts.

401.      The course just installed electric ball washers.

402.      The course just opened.

403.      The course just put in new golf ball washers.

404.      The course put in a new irrigation system on the back nine.

405.      The course serves a great club sandwich for lunch.

406.      The course we are scheduled to play has a lot of hills.

407.      The courses are too busy on weekends, so I am going out today.

408.      The creek is dried up, so I won't lose a ball on my approach shot.

409.      The Cub's have a night game, so I might as well golf this afternoon.

410.      The Cubs missed the playoffs, so my afternoons are free.

411.      The doctor ordered me to get lots of fresh air.

412.      The doctor recommended I golf every day...I think that's what he said.

413.      The doctor said after getting an injection, I must keep my arms loose. Golfing is the best thing.

414.      The doctor said running is bad, but walking with golf clubs is OK.

415.      The driving range is closed, so I have to practice somewhere.

416.      The fairways are like greens, and the greens are like velvet. I just have to play it.

417.      The fish are not biting this time of year.

418.      The forecast is for snow; we need to play as much as possible today.

419.      The golf course is the only place I can get my entire family together.

420.      The golf course is the only place I get good customer service.

421.      The golf course is where I write my books.

422.      The golf course serves the best beer in the city.

423.      The grass is too wet to cut, so I might as well just go golfing.

424.      The greens keeper just planted new flowers.

425.      The humidity is low, so won't sweat.

426.      The IT department won't be able to fix the server till next Monday, so we are taking the week off.

427.      The junkyard didn't have the part I needed, but it was next to a course I haven't played in years.

428.      The lawn mower is broken.

429.      The leaves are changing colors.

430.      The movers are packing my house. I have nothing else to do.

431.      The new rakes for traps are supposed to allow the ball to fly out of the sand easier.

432.      The phone lines are down at work.

433.      The pool is closed, so I'm going golfing.

434.      The practice area has a sand trap.

435.      The rain has blown through, and the sun is shining.

436.      The rough is real playable on the course.

437.      The sky is the perfect shade of blue.

438.      The smoke looks so cool on the pond in front of the first tee box.

439.      The softball game was rained out.

440.      The speed of play on this course is excellent.

441.      The stormed knocked out the electricity, so the office is closed.

442.      The sun is shining.

443.      The superintendent just replaced all the sand in the traps.

444.      The union at work furloughed me, so now I have free time.

445.      The voices in my head told me to go golfing.

446.      The weather for next month is for rain; I need to get in as much golf as possible.

447.      The weather has been so bad lately; I want to take advantage of the sunny weather.

448.      The weather is beautiful.

449.      The wind is blowing out of the south; I may be able to par the number one handicap hole.

450.      The wind is blowing.

451.      The wind may help me reach the par-5's in two.

452.      The yardage has all been remarked.

453.      There are a lot of cool frogs near the ponds.

454.      There are excellent fairway bunkers on this course.

455.      There is a traffic jam, so I might as well play nine instead of sitting in traffic.

456.      There is an opportunity to see OJ on the course.

457.      There is beautiful swan watching on the fairways.

458.      There is nothing else to do in Northern Wisconsin.

459.      There is nothing like a long, slow walk in nature, with no one in front of me.

460.      They are fumigating my office, so I have to find something to do this afternoon.

461.      They are giving away free golf tees with every nine holes purchased.

462.      They are having an open house on my home, so I have to find something to do.

463.      They are offering 18 holes for the price of 9.

464.      They are offering a free round of golf with a nights stay at this hotel; I'm considering moving in permanently.

465.      They clean my clubs after the round is over.

466.      They didn't promote me at work, so I am taking as much time off as possible.

467.      They don't make you rake the traps at this course.

468.      They gave me free greens fees because it was so slow last week.

469.      They give out free peanuts at the turn.

470.      They have a great microbrewery at the clubhouse.

471.      They have really soft toilet paper at the golf course.

472.      They have the best driving range.

473.      They installed rain guards on the back of the carts to keep my clubs dry.

474.      They just got all new range balls.

475.      They just replaced the rye with bluegrass in the fairways.

476.      They put in a new sand trap on the long par-5 fairway.

477.      They put in a nursery at the clubhouse, so I can have them baby-sit and me golf!

478.      They put new tee boxes on the par-5's.

479.      They say the greens are tough in Myrtle. I have to try it for myself.

480.      This course has the best sand traps.

481.      This course offers free caddies with each round purchased.

482.      This new course has valet parking.

483.      Those new thin tees allow me to hit my drive an extra 10 yards.

484.      Tomorrow is ladies day, so I have to get out today.

485.      We are having the family reunion at the golf course.

486.      We lost electricity in our house.

487.      We might play a links course; I wouldn't have to see any other golfers.

488.      What else am I supposed to do on vacation - spend time with the kids?

489.      What else would I do on vacation?

490.      When I visit my brother; that's all he does, so I have to golf.

491.      When the course is dried out, I can hit the ball a lot further.

492.      When you buy 18 holes, you get the second 18 for free.

493.      Who needs an excuse to go golfing?

494.      Why not go golfing?

495.      Winter is coming. I need to get out as much as possible.

496.      With the economy doing so well, I need to take up a new expensive sport.

497.      With the wind blowing, I can drive the greens on the par-4's.

498.      You can get the best cigars on the golf course.

      499.   You get a free lunch with every round of golf.

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Business Golf

Ten Commandments of Business Golf

               I.      The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality.

             II.      When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match.

            III.      Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you are in sight of other players.

          IV.      Always maintain an even temper but take advantage of feigning anger and disgust at strategic moments.

            V.      Find creative, non-threatening ways of focusing the topic of conversation on the most lucrative deal possible.

          VI.      Never offer advice; if asked, promptly change the subject.

         VII.      Always offer compliments to other players even if such recognition is not merited.

       VIII.      Always offer to pay for incidentals like balls, hot dogs and your wagering losses.

           IX.      Your bag should contain a flask of bourbon and a half dozen fine cigars and you should not fail to generously offer them to your colleagues.

             X.      Always bring your pocket phone or pager on the course and make sure it rings at least once.

The Golfing Executive

For the junior exec on the rise, it is essential to create a work environment that promotes efficiency, comfort and professionalism, and offers you plenty of room to groove your game. Your office should be a creative balance between work and golf, emphasizing your devotion to both. Care should be taken to give your office the appearance of your excellent work ethic even if in reality its main functions may be hiding from the boss, making tee times and practicing your swing or putting.

Consider these Business Golf Suggestions

1.       Choose an office with a twelve-foot ceiling so you can enjoy an unobstructed swing.

2.       Select carpeting that rolls like a putting green.

3.       Buy a desk big enough to hide your golf bag beneath but not so big as to diminish your practice area.

4.       Festoon your shelves with golf books, trophies and plaques, old tournament clubhouse passes, a collectible or two and an autographed photo of you and your favorite golf pro. A poster of one of those fantasy golf holes is a nice touch, too.

5.       Get golf game and handicap computation software on your computer and install a "boss button" in case you're caught unawares.

6.       Keep a change of clothes, training aids, astro-turf pad and other golf paraphernalia in the closet. If you don't have a closet, get a ready-to-assemble vestibule and don't forget to install a dead-bolt lock.

Golfer Personality Profiles

One of the most intriguing aspects of golf is the correlation between a person's conduct on the course and that same person's character qualities in life and work. You may have already noticed how golf is uniquely suited to negotiating and closing business deals. Now, using my patented system, you may determine with pinpoint accuracy the personality of your rival on the course and use that insight to further your own greater goals.

The following bits of ancient and royal wisdom are now yours to exploit:

1.      If he practices and plays well on the course, he will be eager to learn and a success at whatever he tries.

2.      If she doesn't cheat or fudge rules, she will be honest and reward honesty in others.

3.      If he dresses appropriately on the course, he will project a positive professional image for his company.

4.      If she likes to wager, she will be a bold and creative manager willing to take risks.

5.      If he helps look for lost balls, he will be a good team player and always go that extra mile.

6.      If she selects clubs confidently, she will be decisive and invariably get whatever she goes after.

7.      If he reads greens well, he will be detail oriented and produce high quality work.

8.      If she keeps her temper on bad shots, she will handle pressure well and be able to come up with quick innovative solutions to problems.

9.      If he keeps a clean score card, he will be neat and systematic and will finish projects in a timely manner.

10.   If she replaces divots and rakes traps, she will be conscientious, organized and ready to leave the mistakes of the past behind.

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Characters at the Golf Club

As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood.

They love golf, whether it be talking about it, dreaming about it, watching it on TV or flipping through a golf magazine. Golf is everything to them. They wear golf attire to the shopping mall, they browse though pro shops to kill time and they re-grip clubs just for the fun of it. Some even go so far as to volunteer their time marshaling amateur and juniors tournaments. They live golf, eat golf and breathe golf. However, odd as it may seem, they never seem to actually play golf. These are the so-called Non-Playing Experts (NPEs), most of whom stand out more clearly than a new gray hair.

You are best advised to make the acquaintance of your nearest Non-Playing Expert. NPEs can come in handy and are always there when you need them. They love to settle bets, offer advice and a lend helping hand. NPEs are incalculable resources and darn loyal friends. The nuggets of golf wisdom and lore you'll learn from your NPEs will more than pacify your persistent desire to challenge one of them to a friendly match. They are golf Dom’s equivalent to embarrassing family relations. You will often have no choice but to dutifully indulge them. Be polite. Hide your disdain. Obnoxious golfers are usually -- and thankfully -- confined to the following categories.

The Cheater - This type of player is typically so obvious in his cheating ways that it is also obvious he doesn't even realize he is doing it. Or perhaps he is utterly devoid of pride. In either case he is better avoided than befriended.

The Rules Expert - This golfer is impressive but tiresome. You can learn a lot from her in a single round, in fact, you can learn enough for the entire season. However, the average human brain cannot process more than one round worth of golf rules, so don't let the Rules Expert corner you too long.

The Bitching-Moaner - Some folks never learn to control their emotions or their mouths. The golfer who can't restrain himself is a menace to the game. Do your best to be kind to him or he'll likely bitch and moan about you to your impressionable colleagues.

The Go-for-Broker - This golfer is fun to be around but is liable to punctuate your round with bursts of elation and despair. If you've got a good game going, the Go-for-Broker can be   bothersome because she has a knack for converting your attention away from your own game toward hers.

The Golf Consumer - The golfer who loves to shop for all the latest golf gadgets is marvelous to observe at a distance; it's when he gets closer you must fear. He's dying to show you his aerodynamically designed wind-resistant driver or his crazy new over-sized putter. Avoid him unless you are interested in trying out one of his novelties. He loves to lend them out just to affirm his decision to acquire them.

The Non-Instructive Instructor - Every golfing clique has a player who can't restrain herself when it comes to offering golf advice. She's read the current articles, seen the latest golf tips on TV and knows the newest theory on technique, yet she doesn't apply these lessons to her own game. Always listen to the Non-Instructive Instructor's suggestions but promptly dispose of them when they don't make sense.

The Practice Swinger - No golfer alive has escaped the misery of playing with a golfer who takes endless practice swings before each shot. The Practice Swinger is also likely to pause for a century before beginning his actual stroke. He is impervious to correction. If you are stuck in a foursome with a slow-ass player, call your next appointment in advance to apologize for your tardiness.

The Gimmie-Taker - We all know golfers who, rather than face the prospect of missing a short but tricky putt, will quickly knock it away from the hole without the customary permission ("It's good.") to do so. There is nothing you can do to prevent this unsightly habit except to insist before commencing the round that "nothing is good." The Gimmie-Taker will hate you but you'll have the satisfaction of lightening her purse in return.

The First-Timer - The only thing worse than playing behind a group containing a First-Timer is playing with such a creature yourself. It is the closest thing to medieval torture. No serious golfer can stand the pain. If you are forced to dither under such a circumstance feel free to pass the time playing a second or third ball.

The best thing you can do about NPEs and other obnoxious golf characters is to be where they aren't. If you cannot avoid dealing with them, look on the bright side. You might just have a perfect opportunity to tell them exactly why they drive you bonkers. That's at least as satisfying as a tweeter on a long par-4!

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Top 10 Golf Lists

Top 10 reasons why golf is better than sex

     10. Choice of public or private courses

       9. Lessons are available

       8. If you're good you can turn pro and do it full time

       7. Can clean balls at every hole

       6. Choice of wood, aluminum or graphite

       5. The less strokes the better

       4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left

       3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time

       2. Can pick the size of your shaft

       1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured

Top 10 Signs Your Partner is a Murderer

10.  You start out as a foursome and end up a duo

 9.  He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel

 8.  Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman

 7.  When he yells "Fore!" people really pay attention

 6.  Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole

 5.  Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag

 4.  When you drive into the rough, he says, "You play golf about as well as
      Marcia Clark prosecutes!"

 3.  His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local
      putt-putt

 2.  When you ask, "What's your handicap?" he says, "Violent paranoid
      schizophrenia"

 1.  His caddy: A.C. Cowlings

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Golf Truths

We understand that this list of Golf Truths was begun by a fellow named Dan Rodriguez of Cabot, Arkansas. If you have any additions please send them to us at info@mbga.com.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers, who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Always concede the fourth putt

Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball.

Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional's shop was made especially for you.

Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional.

Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts.

Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back.

During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road.

Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors.

Foursomes golf means always having to say you're sorry.

Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better.

Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time.

Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition.

Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place.

Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance.

If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green.

If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses?

If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured.

If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy.

If you are giving strokes in a match it's always too many: if you are receiving them it's never enough.

If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys.

If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can also hit it onto the green.

If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in.

If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else's golf ball.

If you're out in 39 and home in 45 you're playing wartime golf.

Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining.

In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren't or vice versa.

In a match, younger golfers always have your measure...so do older golfers for that matter.

In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers.

In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away.

It's always the next round that will find you playing your normal game.

Keeping your head down means you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Lagging a putt from three feet means you've got the yips.

No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds.

Nobody ever coughs on your follow through.

Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball.

Passing lorry-drivers always shout 'Fore' at the top of your backswing.

People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row.

Quote from Christy O'Connor: 'If it wasn't my living, I wouldn't play golf if you paid me.'

Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there.

Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole.

Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side.

The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on.

The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue.

The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what's more, it is plugged under the lip.

The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball will avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber.

The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground.

The first time you enter the club's knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round.

The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother's attic turns out to be worth only $10.

The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course.

The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you.

The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers.

The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt.

The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit.

The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room.

The only downwind holes are par threes.

The people in front of you are playing too slowly; the people behind you are playing too quickly.

The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk.

The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique.

The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes.

The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line.

Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over.

Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you've probably broken it.

When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green.

When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks.

When you are looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty.

When you can tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you find yourself in the midst of a visiting society.

When you drive your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic jam.

When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball's whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot.

Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind.

While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars.

Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole.

Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition.

Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice.

Your favorite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash.

Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone.

Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact that you can't afford to humiliate.

Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment.

Pine trees eat golf balls.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

Aim for the bunker, you'll never hit it.

A putt cannot be wished into the cup.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers, who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

It rains only when you forget your umbrella.

Two putts on a slick green are only the beginning.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50' putt when you lie 9.

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

There is more to life than to break par, but not much more.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

A shot in the lake is an act of God, but a hole-in-one is mine alone.

“Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”

“Tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. 

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. 

A group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, and convict.

All 1 Irons are demon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water

When nature calls bathrooms will always be three holes away.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

If there is more than one way to hit the ball, you will always choose the wrong way.

Golf is a game of inches. Your ball inches into the creek, inches into the sand ...

When you're desperate for a par, a double bogey is on the horizon.

Any difficult shot can be made to be impossible if enough time is made to study it.

Gale force winds that drive your ball back into your face will disappear when it's your opponents turn.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the start of the next group of three

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

There are two kinds of bounces, unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

If you play one good round of golf a month, it will be outside of tournament play.

The one good round of golf will drop your handicap and place you into a flight you can't hope to compete in.

The more simple the putt, the greater the chance is of blowing it.

On a shot out of bounds, you can find everyone's ball but your own.

Any mistake made on your scorecard will not be to your advantage.

If your golf swing feels natural you're doing it wrong.

The best tee times are allotted to people who deserve them the least.

Once struck, the golf ball acquires a mind of its own.

The best way to play the hole will become obvious as soon as you have finished your round.

It is easier to get water to flow uphill than to get any sympathy in a locker room.

A good disposition indicates that the ball has not been teed up, yet.

No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former.

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped.

No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

What you see the pros do on TV is almost impossible for the rest of us to copy, unless it's the first time golfer who has no idea of what they've just done.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20, handicap 15, downswing 300mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

If faced with a full shot to the green while the foursome ahead is still putting, you seem to have only you have two options. You can immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and top the ball halfway there. A third, lesser know, option that ensures you will hit the green, 10' past hole high, is to hit it right away.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to dis his own haircut.

There are two types of luck in golf, (1) bad luck-which belongs to you and (2) good luck-which belongs to your opponents.

If a normally fast group of four has difficulty on the first hole, the slow group behind will insist on playing through.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls.

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

Palm trees eat golf balls.

Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

All drivers are demon-possessed.

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sun sets.

Some useful reminders to use when playing golf is that when another foursome is on the green, please remember that "Fore!" is not an excuse, "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.

Making golf fun for everyone in your group is always of the highest importance. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.

The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.

There are also two rules that always apply when playing golf. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off. Also, you haven't really played golf until you've had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best chance of getting back to the fairway.

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10 Rules of Golf

For good players whose scores would reflect their ability, if only they got a lucky break once in a while.

1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering to the right or to the left frequently results from the friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed *not* to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and there is no place for luck in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled had it not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice tuft of grass for having been so inconvenienced.

3. There shall be *no such thing* as a lost ball. The missing ball is somewhere nearby and will eventually be found by someone. It thus becomes a *stolen* ball and the player should not compound a felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

4. A ball in a bunker rolling backward toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke. No more than two strokes are to be counted when playing from a bunker since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time enough to concentrate on her shot instead of hurrying it so as not to delay her playing partners and dozens of foursomes behind her she would have been out in two anyway.

5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

6. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

7. There is no penalty for a so-called "out of bounds" shot. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not be a problem. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

8. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard. Golf balls should float. The fact that they do not is a technological problem that the manufacturers have not yet overcome. Again, the golfer should not be punished for someone else's shortcomings.

9. Advertisements constantly proclaim that golf scores can be markedly improved by purchasing the newest clubs, balls, shoes, and other golfing accessories. Since this is financially impossible for the average golfer, ½ stroke per hole may be subtracted from the score for using old equipment.

10. The score a player reports on any hole should be regarded as his opening offer and may be changed to reflect the number that he or she best feel reflects his or her skill level.

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Bedroom Golf Rules

1.       Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls.

2.       Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.       Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the CLUB in the hole and keep the balls out.

4.       For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.       Course owners reserve the right to restrict shaft length so not to damage the hole(s).

6.       The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7.       It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.

8.       Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9.       Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10.   Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be their private course.

11.   Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.

12.   Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find an alternate means of play when this occurs.

13.   Players are strongly encouraged to obtain permission before playing the Back Nine.

14.   Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a faster pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

15.   It is considered outstanding performance; time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

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Golf Terms and Golf Talk

Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip.

Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole.

Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular.

Do you eat with those hands? / First day with the new hands? ... Said to your buddy after he hits a particularly bad chip or putt.

It's a condom ... it's up there and safe but you don't like it.

Human rain delay ... a slow player or waiting while a player takes a leak.

Red ass ... murdering the next tee shot after just missing a short bogey putt on the previous hole.

A little light in the loafers ... hit a putt too easy.

Loft ... lack of f**king talent. As in what's your problem - loft!

Thank the monkeys ... said when golfer benefits from hitting a tree.

Write when you get work ... spoken to a putt that has just past the hole and is still going hard.

I see you played a little float on that shot (or) next time less fade/draw and more float ... said to golfer who skims shot off a water hazard to safety/shot skips on water hazard before drowning.

Cart path golf ... look to see which side of the fairway the cart path runs. For cart path only days or when you drive it near the cart path.

Pitching wood ... said as partner skies their drive.

Got my putter stuck in my bra ... said when leaving the putt short or way off line.

Wearing your wife's undies today?  said when a man leaves a putt short.

Just like a teenager, it went off in your hands ... said to playing partner who just blasted a putt 8 feet past the hole.

One in a row ... after you finally hit a decent shot.

We knew there was a hole somewhere ... after someone in you foursome finally sinks a putt.

Put some hair around it... When he can't find the hole.

Juan es alto ... another saying after someone skies a ding "fore.”

Shank you! ... Shank you very much.

I've got my veggie game today ... said to your playing partners when your game is lifeless and shows little sign of a pulse. Could also be said when you "dribble" one off the tee.

Oh the humanity! ... What you yell after an extremely bad shot.

A.M.F. ... ball gone out of bounds is "Adios Mother Fucker!

Does your husband play golf ... said to a male player after his putt comes up short.

Better throw a provisional. ... When your partner angrily throws a club but it's not in the fairway.

Gargle peanut butter ... when someone chokes.

Houston... we have a problem ... for very high tee shots.

Mother-in-law putt ... nothing but lip.

That'll play ... what your playing partner says when you hit the ball, but not all that well.

LPGA putt ... goes both ways.

Honeymoon putt ... goes off in your hands.

Alice ... a putt that comes up short, golfer has no balls.

Lawrence of Arabia ... you (or your buddy) has been in the sand all day!

Casual golf ... what does not land in the fairway is regarded as casual water.

Leaving nothing in you bag ... when you (or a buddy) swings so hard, you do a 360, and almost auger yourself into the ground.

Army golf ... left-right-left-right.

Blew by you ... you hit your drive past your buddies and call it a Linda Ronstat "blew by you.”

Fore lord! ... Your partner yells this after you hitting a ball a mile in the air.

USA ... "you shoot again" or  "your still away" usually said after someone blows a putt way past the hole and he is still out.

Rommell ... hit from one sand trap into another sand trap.

Third world putt ... just one more revolution!

Into the kitty litter with all the other shit! ... A bad one into the trap.

Boy, this course is hard! ... What you say after whiffing the ball completely.

Having a religious golf experience ... standing over the ball way too long.

On the dance floor but can't hear the music ... the wrong side of a very large green.

Yank it and spank it ... fast play golf.

Life is a beach ... hit into a sand trap.

Screwing a fat one ...  chunking the ball, rolling all the way, and ending up 12 inches from the pin. You weren't very proud of it, but it sure feels good!!

Victory lap... All-around good putt ... Dolly Parton ... a putt that uses all of the cup before falling into the hole.

NBA 3-pointer - shot holed out on the fly.

Acne scars - Lunar landscape- unrepaired ball marks on green.

Getting your money's worth - Many strokes.

Brother-in-law - best-ball partners helping each other out really well.

Bleached skull - ball in sand.

Hit a 3-wood - what you say to somebody who's got a really long putt.

Mexican hat dance - Refers to lots of spike marks around the hole.

Thank you, Mr. Nicklaus - what you say to person who just gave you an unsolicited tip.

In Jail - deep in the trees with no shot out.

Australian rules - playing winter rules in the summer (because it's winter in Australia).

Sansabelt Tour – Geezer Tour - the PGA Senior (Champions) Tour.

Good punt - Hit one straight up in the air.

Pop to short, grounder to third, etc. - Baseball metaphors for bad shots.

Home run - Hit one over everything & out of bounds.

Worm Burner - A shot going a long way on the ground.

Cup Sucker - Ball rims around the hole a few times and does not fall.

Flop-flop - birdie (sound of bird's wings going flop-flop).

Here's looking' at you, kid - refers to a bogey (of course).

Run it out - pop up off the tee.

Touch 'em all - drive hit OB.

Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief.

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

In golf as in life, it's the follow through that makes the difference.

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.

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Golf Quotes

Ben Hogan: “I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.”

“Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don't you?”

“As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.”

Bob Allen: “The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it.”

Bobby Jones: “Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.”

Bob Hope: “Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.”

“If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.”

Byron Nelson: “The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you've had already.”

Dave Hill: “The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.”

“Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.”

Gary Player: “The harder you work, the luckier you get.”

Harry Tofcano: “I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.”

Jack Nicklaus: “Golf is not and has never has been a fair game.”

“I think I fail just a bit less than everyone else.”

Lee Trevino: “You can make a lot of money as a pro golfer. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.”   

            “There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.”

“When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.”

“I'm going to win so much money this year; my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.”

“Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.”

“No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.”

“You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket.”

“I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.”

“Golf, it's the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on.”

“I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would have come up sliced.”

“If my IQ had been two points lower I'd have been a plant somewhere.”

“I'm hitting the driver so good I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it.”

Mark Twain: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Paul Harvey: “Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six and write down five.”

Tommy Bolt: “Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.”

“The greatest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for merely exercise.”

Tom Watson: “A lot of guys, who have never choked, have never been in the position to do so.”

Winston Churchill: “Golf is a game whose aim it is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill designed for the purpose.”

Don Carter: “One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that it's really, really hard to lose a bowling ball.”

Ken Venturi: “A student of mine said he wanted to get more distance, so I told him to hit it and run backwards.” 

Chi Chi Rodriguez: ”I read the greens in Spanish, but I putt in English.” 

Bruce Litsky: “The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.”

Buddy Hackett: “I've had a good round of golf when I don't fall out of the cart.”

David Letterman: Golf vs. Sex - David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…

No. 10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.

No. 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

No. 8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

No. 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.

No. 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.

No. 5 - Three times a day is possible.

No. 4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

No. 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.

No. 2 - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the Number 1 reason Why Golf is Better Than Sex is…

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Anonymous: “Golf is what you play when you're too old and out of shape to play softball.”

“I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing… 

Keep your head down

Follow through

 Have lots of money!”

             "My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.”

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Golf Factoids

Golf and basketball are two games where the object is to get the ball into a hole. A golf hole is 4 ½ inches in diameter. The hole in a basketball hoop is 18 inches in diameter. Using the size of the golf hole and a basketball hoop for scale, a 12-foot putt is like sinking a 50-foot hoop!

Like life, one's golf game is made up by a series of absolute changes which are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

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Golf One-Liners

A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight...but it ain't...

My stockbroker’s a golf nut. One day he called up  and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.”

Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down.

It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy.

He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime.

His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to!

My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica.

I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero.

Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball.

Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it."

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.

Forget about all those "how to" books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!

You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!

I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.

The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.

Oxymoron: An easy par three.

Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.

"My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!"

Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.

Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed.

Real golfers don't cry when they line up their fourth putt.

Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin' and one for betting'

Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play.

How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.

The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!

Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

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Golf Jokes

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses. 

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.  

They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. 

They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings.  

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries and possibly squirrel, rabbit or gopher fur.  

Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. 

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.  

It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!" 

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One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.  

The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. 

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Don, come here. I've got some real trouble down here."
 

Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter, John? Is everything okay?" 

John shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently you can't get out of here with a seven. 

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A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… 

Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. 

A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied.  

“P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.” 

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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. 

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. 

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU. 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he'd be there as soon as possible.  

As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. 

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. 

Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.  

When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife's condition. 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn't you?” 

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had. 

“Well, I hope you're proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life!  

The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it's just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.” 

“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked. 

“Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require 'round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!” 

The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. 

The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.  

“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, but as he is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone – just the frog.  

Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron."  

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, so puts the club away, and grabs his 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.  

He’s both pleased and shocked, so he says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, right?

The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."

So the man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.  

"Ribbit, 3 wood," the frog replies.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom, a hole-in-one.  

The man is ecstatic and befuddled and doesn't know what to say or think.  

By the end of the round the man, thanks to the frog’s advice, had shot the best round of his life, so he asks the frog, "OK my little green friend, what’s next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas.”

So off they go to Las Vegas. 
They rush to the Strip, and scurry to the casino in the Bellagio. 

The man guy says, "OK Froggy, now what?"  

The frog replies, "Ribbit, roulette table."  

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"  

The frog replies, "Ribbit, $30,000, Number 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the best golf game of his life the man figures, “What the Hell!” So he nervously places a $30,000 bet on number 6, as the frog had instructed.

The croupier spins the wheel, and Boom, the little white ball drops into the slot for number 6. 

The man and the other players go crazy, because he had just won a whopping $1,080,000. 

The man takes his winnings and checks-in to the Bellagio’s Presidential Suite. 
Then he sits down next to the frog and says, "Froggy, I don't know how I can ever repay you. You gave me by far the best round of golf I’ve ever had, and now you’ve won me over a million dollars on one spin of the wheel. I am truly forever in your debt. How can I ever possibly repay you?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss me!"

The extremely grateful, and now rich, man figures, “Why the Hell not? 

So he gives his new green best friend a kiss, and Boom, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.  

"And that, Your Honor, so help me God, is how that young girl ended up in my hotel room!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.  

"I sure do," he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

"WOW!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."  

"You have a genie?" the first guy asked.

"Yep, he's right here in my golf bag." He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie.  

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?"

"Yes, I will," the genie replies. 

So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.” 

Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.”

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers. 

“Hey,” yells to disappointed golfer. “I asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.” 

“Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, "He's hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not,” said Fred, "what the hell do they have to bitch about?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Well," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A hacker spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hacker, he, of course, plays poorly all day. Round about the 18^th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so lousy all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

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"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer.” It’s not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. "Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, "Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me." The woman replied, "You don't understand...I'm a hooker." The man said, "That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fellow caddy and myself recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, "I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?" My friend the caddy replied, "There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An avid golfer goes to see a fortuneteller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news,” she tells the golfer. "What’s the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "What’s the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. She takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car the husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt, it was a damn tap in! In fact, it was no longer than my pecker." The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, "That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

"Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

 Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."  The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, so the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tom" sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. "Not worth it" he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, "Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mabel’s dead." "Damn, that's terrible," said Bob, "You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed."

The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two-foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed."

The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.

Then on the next hole he misses a one-foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed."

All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."

The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I've never had an old ball."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing.

Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."

As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther."

The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first."

The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.

He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple had a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."

“I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."

"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The groups ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them. Soon the Marshall came around, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!"

The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."

The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls."

The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls."

The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to "tune up" his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double-checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him "Your problem is obvious Sir -- it's LOFT."

The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him "Your problem is still LOFT."

The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him "I'm sorry, but your problem is still LOFT."

The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, "I don't understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?"

The pro looked at him and explained, "L.O.F.T. - Lack Of Fucking Talent!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?"

"Sure," she replied.

He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?"

"No problem," she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving."

To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.
At one point the ball lay about 180-yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

To which the caddie replied, "Eventually."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I had a terrible round today,” the golfer told his wife. “I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse. The ball was sitting about 2-feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said," Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."

The voice broke the man's concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, "Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot."

The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, "Would you please tell the gentleman in the clubhouse that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?"

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Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie."

No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.

To the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin.

"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, "That's not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood."

Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie." Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!"

Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, "I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood."

Jesus said, "This will be fine -- remember what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.

About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, "What's he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?" "No," replied Moses, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18^th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. "That was really a very nice gesture," one of his buddies said. "Hey, it's the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35^th wedding anniversary!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her!

It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, "If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you'll have a clear shot to the green." The man said, "I don't think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened." "What was that?" asked his friend. The man replied, "I got a seven!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they'd be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.

When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.

She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin -- but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. "You know," she said, "this is a very special day for me. I've always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you've ever had in your life in it for you!"

Well, the first man ran over and said, "You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup."

The second man pushed him out of the way and said, "No way! I've had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup."

The third man walked up and said, "Don't listen to either of them." He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.

The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnedest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1."

"That was my ball," the guy said.

"What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3."

"Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When asked about his golf game a man replied, "It's a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it's disgusting to watch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbatio

You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said "Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth's beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!"

"Well, thanks," the man replied, "but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9.  After 18 holes I can barely walk
8.  You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7.  Look at the size of his putter
6.  Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5.  Mind if I join your threesome?
4.  Stand with your back turned and drop it
3.  My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2.  Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the day after his Master's victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive golf club. He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, "I am sorry sir but this club does not allow black people to enter. However, if you would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road."

Tiger responds, "But I am Tiger Woods!"

The guard replies, "I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It seems that there was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh, shit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, "How long has it been since you've had a smoke?"

"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a smoke in all that time", he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him.
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"

"I've been stranded on this island for ten years and haven't had a drink in all that time", he replied.
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, "How long has it been since you've played around?"

His eyes bulged as he said, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We'd booked a 2:00 PM tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.

We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation. Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman, just after beginning her round was stung by a bee. After returning to the pro shop and telling the pro she was stung, she asked what she should do.

"Where were you stung,?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replies.

"Well," said the pro, "first of all your feet are too far apart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the sixteenth hole. He tees up and cranks one, but, unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball is lying beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.

Upon awakening, the little fellow says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and he walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he DID catch me, so I have to do something nice for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want: I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16^th hole. He gets up and, sure enough, hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the same little man he asks him how is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm doing fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how the money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."

The leprechaun again says, "I did that for you. And may I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is flabbergasted and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "That's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After an enjoyable eighteen holes of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love. On the way home, the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their relationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me."

His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Lady Di?

A. Tiger Woods has a better driver.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones. The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19^th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19^th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim and Bob were golfing one fine day, when Jim, an avid golfer, slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. Jim takes his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine, in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently for his errant ball. Suddenly Jim spots something shiny. As he nears the location of the shiny object, Jim realizes that it is an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton laying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls for his partner Bob. "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out to Jim, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Bring me my 7 iron. You can't get out of here with an 8."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became angrier with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded. Letting loose a stream of curses the likes of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the clubhouse, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.

At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"

Joe looked up and said "What time?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is on holiday in Africa and is driving along in his jeep, when he comes upon a golf course. Happening to have his clubs with him, he decides to ask about whether he can play a round. Upon inquiring, the pro tells him that it is quite all right, just so long as the man uses one of the local caddies. Having no problem with this, the man sets out accompanied by the caddie. Everything is going OK until the 3^rd fairway, when, all of a sudden, a lion runs out of the jungle towards the man. With this, the caddie suddenly pulls out a rifle and shoots the lion dead just before it reaches the man.

"I can see now why I need you!" exclaimed the man to the caddie.

Carrying on, they approached the 10^th tee, when, suddenly, a leopard bounded towards the man from the undergrowth. Thankfully, once again, the caddie pulled out his rifle and kills the animal. Thanking the caddie once again, they moved on.

Three holes later the man was about to play his putt on the 13^th green when a crocodile came out of the greenside pond and promptly bit his leg off. Writhing around the green in agony the man angrily asked his caddie why on earth he didn't take his rifle out again, to which the caddie replied, "Sorry, but you don't get a shot on that hole, sir!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob stood over his tee shot on the eighteenth hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, waggle, look down, look up, but would never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on earth are you taking so long to make this shot?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob.

"Good Lord," said David, "you ain't got a chance of hitting her from here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, 'has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the first tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be very good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer enters a tournament and is assigned a caddie. On the first day, the golfer duffs a couple of key shots and does quite bad. He tries to act undisturbed about it and plays the second day, which is even worse. So he plays the third day and totally messes up every shot and has a terrible game. So on the last day of the tournament, he goes out and tries really hard, but he just did worse and worse, so at the end of the round, swearing violently and very frustrated, he shouts to his caddie, who has been quiet all week-end, and says, "You've got to be the worst caddie alive!!" The caddie thinks about this, shrugs, and replies, "Nah, that'd be too much of a coincidence!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two long time golfers were standing overlooking the river getting ready to hit their shots. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course.  One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots  over there ice skating in this blizzard!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to her funeral."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are golf and sex so similar?

They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at both of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two golfers just came back to the clubhouse for a drink. They overheard two Irish men talking,” I used to live in Dublin too," said one. "I moved here when I was 10 too," said the other. "My last name is O'Leary too."
The two golfers that had heard asked a man walking by, "Who are these guys?"

The man said, "Oh! That's the O'Leary twins, they’re just drunk,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two young friends learned golf in high school and played a lot together. After high school they got jobs and proceeded to bet with each other. They were pretty equally matched so first one would win and then the other would win. As a matter of fact, at the end of the year neither was financially ahead of the other.

As life went on they made more money at their jobs and increased the size of their bets. Still one would win and then the other would win. As usual, at the end of the year, neither was financially ahead of the other.

They became really aged and decided to hang up the clubs but would play one last game for $10,000 as each was independently wealthy. On 18^th tee the game was tied up. One hit a beautiful drive down the middle and the other sliced into the woods. They looked for the ball for 15 or 20 minutes and the fellow on the fairway said, "I'm going to hit up!" "Okay," said the other, "but I'll keep on looking."

The fellow in the fairway hit one of the best shots of his life and the ball rolled to within 6 inches of the cup. As he approached the green and got his putter from his caddie, the fellow in the woods shouted, "I found it!"
"Hit it then," said the fellow on the green!"

The guy in the woods hacked at the ball. It bounded off a branch, flew the trap, hit on the apron, rolled onto the green and into the cup. At which the fellow on the green said to his caddie, "What do I do now? I've got his first ball in my pocket!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday morning, a Priest looks out his window at a beautiful, sunny day. Although he knows that it's his responsibility to say Mass in an hour, he calls in his second, complaining of illness. He then sneaks out the back door with his golf clubs.

Up in heaven, Saint Peter and God are watching. St. Peter says to God "You can't let that go unpunished! That Priest is giving in to temptation and not living up to his vows." God agrees, but as St. Peter watches, the Priest is having the round of his life. In fact, on the par 3 17^th hole, the Priest hits a beautiful shot and the ball rolls into the hole, for his first ever hole-in-one.

St. Peter is very upset and says to God, "Do something! He's having the round of his life!"

God calmly turned to St. Peter, smiled, and said "Yes, but who's he going to tell?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language."

"I guess not, said Fred, "what the hell do they have to cuss about?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed. Finally on the seventeenth hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a four-wood and the golfer balked. "I think it's a three-iron," said the golfer.

"No, sir it's a four-wood," said the caddy.

"Nope, it's definitely a three-iron."

So the golfer set up, took the three-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.

"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife inquired as to why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls that other groups are always playing through, who tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither would he."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday.”

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A four ball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out. He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is. He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in.

"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer.

"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Samuel Littleman. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well. This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6^th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "You bastard! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

 

The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf is great, why just yesterday I was only 2 strokes away from a hole-in-one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks later Bill arrived home fairly late one evening from his golf game. He was living with Mary who happened to have been one of our enthusiastic, but not too bright, students. She was somewhat agitated that he arrived home late but it wasn't until he emptied his pockets onto his dresser that she went ballistic. She flew into an intense rage and demanded to know who the woman was that he had been golfing with. He hadn't a clue what her problem was and said he'd been playing with his pals Brad, Jim and Elmer. She continued her tirade and said "Don't you lie to me. I know you were with some woman."

Finally he asked her to explain where she was coming from. She replied "I know you were with some woman because I took that beginners golfer course. They told me women play red tees and you just put some red tees on your dresser!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleist No. 3’s. A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out.

The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole. He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?

In New York they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green," while in Canada they say, "Get off the green, eeehhh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"

"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."

The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.

"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18-holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."

The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. "So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."

"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"

"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married," said the pouting wife.

"Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that 50’ putt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a Pro Am, Arnold Palmer's partner asked, "Well Arnold, what do you think of my game?"
"It's OK," said Arnie, "but I prefer golf!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Which is the easiest golf stroke?

The fourth putt!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"

The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"

"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Noticed any improvements in my game, caddie?"

"Shined your clubs?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He says to them, "How come you all play such good golf?"

The lead rabbi said, "When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life.

About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71.
He says to them, "Okay, I joined a temple, live a religious life and I'm still shooting lousy.

The lead rabbi said to him, "What temple did you join?"

He said, "Beth Shalom.’

The rabbi retorted, "Schmuck! That one's for tennis!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.

He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man.

The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."

The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamn tree, did you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap."

Stevie says "Well I play to scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play."

Stevie Wonder turns around and says "Well, just about any night suits me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this ?"

"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right ?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"

The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."

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One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.

"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"

"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.

"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.

"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.
On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon.

"How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."

"What's the pay back this time?" said the man.

"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.

"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game! On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"

"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"

"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.

"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one. And that's how Father Hoolihan got into the Guinness Book of Records!

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Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven-foot putt. The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!

His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."

"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"

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The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddie who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 add up to?"

"11 sir," said the caddie.

"Good, you'll do perfectly."

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The man that invented golf and said it was "fun" is the same guy that invented bagpipes and said it was "music."

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Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddie, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddie handed him the four-wood, which he topped and sent the ball about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddie handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt."

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At the Club's annual board meeting, the President was just about to finish, when one of the members stops him: "There is one more item to discuss -- the exclusion of Mr. Petersen."

"Why?" asked the President

 

"Last week he jumped our new secretary in the bunker at hole 9," the President was informed.

"So, we all would like to do that, it is not a reason for exclusion!!"

"Yes, but he did not rake the bunker afterwards!!"

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Golfer: Would you mind wading into the pond and retrieving my ball?

Caddie: Why?

Golfer: It's my lucky ball.

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Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.

Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.

Manager: Of course we would, sir.

Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

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Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole. Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."

The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."

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Sam and Harry are playing one day. On the first hole, Sam hits a wicked slice into the adjoining fairway. The ball hits another player right between the eyes and he drops to the ground. Sam and Harry rush over to the prostrate man and find him unconscious with the ball laying on the ground between his legs. Sam screams, "Oh my God, what should I do?"

Harry replies; "Don't move him. If you leave him there he becomes an immovable obstruction and, according to the rules, you are allowed a drop two club-lengths away."

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A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree.

"He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady.

"Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady.

"It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!"

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A new executive is told by his boss that he is expected to play in the corporate golf tournament next week. Not knowing how to play he decides he better take a lesson. The club pro advises that they start with the putter and then progress to the short irons before tackling the long irons and woods. The man explains that he has to start with the driver as he is expected to play in the corporate tournament. The pro relents and tries to teach him as best he can.

On the day of the tournament the new exec steps to the first tee, a 165-yard par 3 hole. One of his partners suggests on this hole perhaps a 4 iron might be a better choice. The exec explains that he has only had one golf lesson and the driver is the only club he has hit. The exec takes a mighty swing and proceeds to slice the ball right into the woods.

After a few minutes the exec finds the ball and once again pulls his driver out of the bag. His partner suggests that he would be better off hitting a short chip back onto the fairway. Again the new exec explains that he only knows how to hit the driver. He proceeds to take a mighty swing, hitting the tree directly in front of him. The ball careens off the tree, striking the exec in the middle of the forehead, knocking him dead.

When he gets to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter is surprised to see the executive so soon, and asked, "How did you get here?"

"In two!" he replied.

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Comedian Bob Hope once said that if ever he was playing golf and it started to thunder and lightning, that he would hold a 1 iron up into the air - in the belief that even God can't hit a 1 iron.

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One golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late in arriving for your tee time?"

His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."

"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."

"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!"

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"Got any suggestions on my game, caddie?"

"Yes sir. Try laying off for thirty days."

"Then what?"

"Then quit."

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Golfer: "Notice any improvement today, Jimmy?"

Caddie: "Yes, ma'am. You've had your hair done."

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Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

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Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've every played on!"

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!"

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Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

Caddy: "I didn't realize you have played before, sir."

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Golfer: " Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes sir! You missed the ball much closer than you used to."

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Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, Caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, it a compass!"

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Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a crime any day of the week!"

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Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

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Golfer: "That can't be my ball, Caddy. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

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Golfer to his caddy: “What do I have to shoot to win the member-guest tournament? “

“The rest of the players,” replied the caddy

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Sign in the Locker Room

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANY ONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES
11. VERY GOOD. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

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The oldest member of a Golf Club came into the club-house after his usual 9 holes and complained that he could not get out of the bunkers as well as he once could. His listeners suggested a number of possible remedies, but the old man shook his head "It is not the ball that troubles me", he explained sadly,  "It is getting myself out."

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The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."

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Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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Some Things Your Wife Will Never Say

“I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.”

“Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8.”

“I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.”

“Forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs”

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Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. "Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."

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A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on th