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The Myrtle Beach Golf Association - The Definitive Myrtle Beach Golf Source!
With these exciting new changes, the Myrtle Beach Golf Association continues it’s long and unchallenged commitment to providing the traveling golfers with the most complete information on Myrtle Beach golf anywhere. The Myrtle Beach Golf Association is recognized as the traveling golfers’ definitive source for candid, insider information on each of the 100.5 Myrtle Beach golf courses, as well as the Player’s Top 25, the Myrtle Beach Basement golf courses and lodging properties, Myrtle Beach restaurant reviews, Myrtle Beach weather conditions, Myrtle Beach golf course ratings, Myrtle Beach golf course rankings, Myrtle Beach golf maps and much more than any other Myrtle Beach golf website.
MBGA.COM is the only Myrtle Beach golf website providing golfers with current and candid Myrtle Beach golf course rankings and Myrtle Beach golf course ratings, which are actually based upon feedback from the traveling golfers and Myrtle Beach golf industry insiders.
President’s Desk - Fall 2011
Fall 2011
Greetings from Golftown, USA!
Welcome to the “new and improved” MBGA.COM!
The Myrtle Beach Golf Association is excited that our latest site redesign not only makes it easier for you to navigate, but is also chock full of new features and upgrades that make planning your next Myrtle Beach golf experience easier than ever before.
Among the welcome additions are:
· A synergetic partnership with the Myrtle Beach Golf Insider, which boasts more than 9,000 golfer reviews of area courses. This allows us to tap in to a treasure trove of unvarnished feedback that’s updated daily, helping you gauge up-to-the-minute trends on what you want (or DON’T want, for that matter) to see about the courses you’re thinking of playing.
· Instructional videos featuring USGTG Certified Golf Pro Meredith Kirk. Meredith brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to her teaching, and presents it in a way that’s easy for golfers of ALL skill levels to digest. We’re thrilled to be able to share her expertise with you in our series of “Stroke Savers” video tips!
News
In case you’ve been out of touch with the Myrtle Beach golf scene for the past few months or so, the biggest news to hit the circuit was the recent announcement by local golf giants Burroughs & Chapin and Myrtle Beach National Company that they will soon join forces in a merger - creating a juggernaut in the local golf industry, and a new company that will become one of the 15 largest golf course management companies in the U.S. Once the dust settles, the yet-to-be-named new company will own 14 courses and manage an additional 10. The owned courses will include Aberdeen, Litchfield C.C., Long Bay, SouthCreek at MBN, West Course at MBN, King’s North at MBN, Pawleys Plantation, River Club, Waterway Hills, Willbrook Plantation, Resort Course at Grande Dunes, Pine Lakes, Myrtlewood Palmetto and Myrtlewood Pinehills. The managed courses will include Blackmoor, Tradition Club, Wachesaw Plantation East, Wild Wing, Tidewater, Members Club at Grande Dunes, River Hills, Arcadian Shores, Farmstead and Meadowlands …
Unfortunately, another area golf complex has fallen victim to the tough economy, as Sea Trail Golf Resort & Convention Center in Sunset Beach, N.C. recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The Rees Jones, Willard Byrd and Dan Maples signature courses at this complex will continue to operate along with the company’s resort and convention business as they seek to reorganize their debts. The move coincides with the growing trend nationwide of high-profile golf complexes taking similar measures. Let’s hope Sea Trail is able to bounce back and continue to contribute to the Grand Strand golf scene.
That’s all for this month, folks. Thanks for continuing to be a part of this important Myrtle Beach golf forum!
Pawleys Island Golf School Rates #1 With TripAdvisor
The Phil Ritson-Mel Sole Golf School at Pawleys Plantation has been receiving accolades from the golf & travel industries since 1991. GOLF Magazine rated it in the TOP 5 of their Best 25 USA Golf Schools in 2005, and in their latest rankings they say “Ritson-Sole has done it longer and better than any school in the nation.”
Now, the venerable TripAdvisor.com has rated this academy #1 of 13 attractions in Pawleys Island, S.C. This is due to an unprecedented 29 out of 29 5-star reviews by golfers across the USA and Canada.
Golfers are expressing satisfaction with game improvement, but they are also responding to the reasonable rates featured for top-notch instruction.
“All of us who love golf talk about growing the game,” says Mel Sole, owner and director of instruction for the Ritson-Sole academy. “But golf can be an expensive sport, and it’s not easy to master the skills needed to enjoy the game. Game improvement equals player retention, and we need to provide high-quality instruction at a price most people can afford. That’s why our tuition is less than half of my top competitors.”
Golf school packages are available which include on-site accommodations lining the fairways of the award-winning Jack Nicklaus signature course, Pawleys Plantation, plus breakfast and green fees. New for fall 2011 is a specially-priced “Couples Package.” What’s more, singles pay the same package price as those booking double occupancy.
Teaching principles were designed by Mel Sole, former South African PGA Tour Player and GOLF Magazine/Golf Digest “Top Teacher,” along with Phil Ritson, former coach to Gary Player and mentor to David Leadbetter.
The school caters to all golfer levels from beginner to advanced, and also works with corporate clients. Three-day schools are most popular, but the academy also offers parent/child programs, private hourly lessons, and a one- to two-hour group clinic for just $35 per person.
More information is available at www.ritson-sole.com or by calling the golf school at 800-624-4653.
Thistle Tops the Field in November Golf Insider Top 25 Rankings
Thistle Golf Club, the Sunset Beach, N.C. design awarded 4.5 stars by Golf Digest, remained at the top spot of the Myrtle Beach Golf Insider Top 25 for November 2011, the Web site reported in releasing its monthly rankings.
Caledonia Golf & Fish Club (No. 2) and Dunes Golf & Beach Club (3) also held their previous month’s spots, respectively, while True Blue (4) and King’s North at Myrtle Beach National (5) each moved up one spot to round out the top 5.
The Wizard (21) made its debut in the rankings this month, while Heritage Club (18) re-entered for the first time since August.
The rankings are determined by golfers who submit their post-play reviews for publication on the Golf Insider’s Web site, MBGolfInsider.com. They are based on the aggregate scores of each participating golfer’s review, where golfers rate on a 10-point scale their course experience in each of six categories: pro shop, grill, staff, fairways, tees and greens. The November 2011 Top 25 was completed on Dec. 1, with ties separated by total number of reviews for each course:
- Thistle Golf Club (8.9/114/NC)
- Caledonia (8.8/268/NC)
- Dunes Golf & Beach Club (8.8/132/NC)
- True Blue (8.7/170/+1)
- MB National King’s North (8.5/540/+1)
- TPC of Myrtle Beach (8.5/375/-2)
- MB National SouthCreek (8.5/242/NC)
- Willbrook Plantation (8.4/554/NC)
- Arrowhead (8.4/197/NC)
- Legends - Moorland (8.4/100/NC)
- Legends - Heathland (8.4/98/NC)
- Legends - Parkland (8.4/71/+1)
- Barefoot - Love (8.4/67/+1)
- Barefoot - Fazio (8.4/50/+1)
- River Club (8.3/520/+1)
- MB National West (8.3/505/+1)
- Tradition Club (8.3/388/+1)
- Heritage Club (8.3/219/NEW since 8/11)
- Grande Dunes (8.3/147/NC)
- Man O’ War (8.3/139/NC)
- Wizard (8.3/111/DEBUT)
- Crow Creek Golf Club (8.3/103/-1)
- Glen Dornoch (8.3/87/-11)
- Tiger’s Eye (8.3/74/-1)
- Blackmoor (8.2/553/-1)
The Myrtle Beach Golf Insider Top 25 represents a broad consensus of opinion based on thousands of golfer reviews - more than 10,000 since the site’s inception, according to Myrtle Beach Golf Insider Editor Jim Maggio.
To sign up for free and leave your own course reviews, visit MBGolfInsider.com.
Myrtle Beach Golf Association has struggled too!
Needless to say, Myrtle Beach Golf Association has taken our share of hits as well.
While profits have never been a consideration in the Myrtle Beach Golf Association’s 11-year history, our costs have escalated dramatically and our team of dedicated and professional Myrtle Beach golf industry “insiders” has grown smaller, while the challenges of keeping track of the golf courses, restaurants and, especially, the golf packagers have intensified four-fold.
Good News: The good news is that the vast majority of the remaining Myrtle Beach golf courses are in excellent shape, and housing construction on the vast majority of them has virtually ground to a halt.
Furthermore, while the remaining Myrtle Beach golf courses, especially the top ranked ones, are charging top dollar, there is a monstrous lodging glut here, and therein lies the financial wiggle-room where the golfers can wheel and deal.
Therefore, with the lodging properties struggling to fill all of their rooms and the courses holding firm on their rates, golfers should book all-inclusive packages, not ala carte!
As to the Myrtle Beach Golf Association’s travails, after a multitude of lengthy, and often heated discussions, and in-order to continue to be able to provide the travelling gofers with the candid inside information on Myrtle Beach golf which they have come to expect from MBGA.COM, the MBGA Team decided to add online tee time booking and some limited advertising.
Bad News: The dreaded 6-hour rounds are still more prevalent than they ever should be, especially at some of the high-end tracks, where, at the prices they’re charging, they should be totally non-existent!
Myrtle Beach Golf Industry Continues To Reel after 22nd Course Closes!
Prior to the economic crash, the Myrtle Beach golf industry had been in a slow but steady decline since 1998, culminating in the loss of more than one million paid rounds of golf annually; the closing of 21 golf courses and the loss of over 2,000 golf industry jobs.
With the recent announcement that Island Green Golf Club had unceremoniously closed, bringing the number of golf courses closed to 22, with other closings, primarily in the lower-tier courses, looming large, things here continue to cause great concern.
2008 was one of the worst years ever with the first double-digit decline, and 2009 was even worse with a 15-25% decline, depending on the golf course or lodging property surveyed.
Needless to say, everyone expected business to rebound in the Spring of 2010 as the economy began to turn around, but alas play was dramatically down (-22%) once again. The remainder of 2010 was basically more of the same bleak news. Depending on the property, play was down 18-27% area wide in 2010.
Thus far in 2011 paid rounds at the upper-tier courses is up 6-8%, while green fees remain flat. As is evidenced by the Island Green closing, play at the lower-tier courses continues to decline anywhere from 8-14%, depending on the track.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF MYRTLE BEACH GOLF
Begun in the late 70’s to compliment Myrtle Beach’s summertime beach vacation economy, area hospitality leaders began to aggressively market all-encompassing spring and fall golf packages, which included lodging, a free welcome gift, breakfast, green fees, cart, free evening events and taxes, all for one flat price.
The concept was a huge success, and saw Myrtle Beach become the destination of choice for American golf vacations, which, in turn, fostered dramatic golf course development in the area. This winning recipe continued unabated through 1998.
In 1999, golf rounds began a slow and steady decline.
While the Myrtle Beach golf industry’s so-called golf marketing gurus and their henchmen in the lodging industry, many of whom you can find listed in the Myrtle Beach Golf Association’s Lodging Basement, cite over-building, competition from other destinations and the dog ate our homework excuses for the decline, the cold hard fact is that they themselves were and are the clown posse who killed the Golden Golf Goose.
The first big wheel flew off the Myrtle Beach golf bandwagon when the greedy morons at the original Sands Resorts gutted the all-encompassing golf package, forcing the golf courses to charge for carts, which caused a backlash for the courses and began the industry decline, while the real culprits at Sands Resorts skated.
Over the last 12-years the Myrtle Beach golf cabal has frittered away an estimated $35 million dollars in precious and sorely needed golf marketing funds on harebrained schemes, which included $11 million dollars on the PGA Tour’s - Energizer Senior Tour Championship fiasco; the squandering of an estimated $20 million dollars to build and operate the TPC of Myrtle Beach and their most recent multi-episode travelogue of dopey and embarrassing episodes called “The Myrtle Beach Road Show” on the Golf Channel, which was overnight dubbed “The Myrtle Beach Road Kill” by golfers and golf industry movers and shakers alike, and cost the Myrtle Beach golf industry an estimated $1.3 million dollars.
All had hoped that things would turn around for the surviving Myrtle Beach golf courses, and for a while it appeared that they might, but despite the tripling of the Myrtle Beach golf advertising and marketing expenditures the Myrtle Beach golf industry continued to flounder badly.
To add insult to all of this misery on the links, golf itself is battling to remain relevant in today’s “instant gratification” society.
TV golf ratings, which were already in the toilet prior to Tiger’s antics, his return last year and poor play since his return, has only shown a tiny uptick in the 55+ demographic, while the all-important 18-34 year old segment is tanking.
The highly touted First Tee program, along with other golf industry attempts at growing the game of golf, like Play Golf America, Get Golf Ready and Ready, Set Golf, have all done nothing significant to grow the game. Add to that the economy still struggling, along with the crazy weather all across the country, and the 2012 outlook for golf in general, and Myrtle Beach golf in particular, continues to look bleak.
Needless to say, all of this is indeed cause for great concern, not only for Myrtle Beach golf but for the entire golf industry as a whole.
Golf Jokes
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. They say that it’s also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity on the courses. They recommend that golfers be educated so that they can recognize the difference between Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain remains of nuts, berries and possibly squirrel, rabbit or gopher fur. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. It was obvious that he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. The female golfer/therapist urged him to let him help him, so at her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.” Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?” John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently you can’t get out of here with a seven. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… Q: “Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” She asked her instructor. A: “P-U-T-T is correct,” the instructor replied. “P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. “P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital. When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor, and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn’t you?” Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had. “Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself mister, because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life! The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it’s just as well that you went ahead and finished your round, because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.” “Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked. “Because for the rest of your wife’ life she will require ‘round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!” The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, so he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin. “Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He’s on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, but as he is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone – just the frog. Again, he hears, “Ribbit, 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, so puts the club away, and grabs his 9 iron. He’s both pleased and shocked, so he says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, right? So the man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “Ribbit, 3 wood,” the frog replies. The man is ecstatic and befuddled and doesn’t know what to say or think. By the end of the round the man, thanks to the frog’s advice, had shot the best round of his life, so he asks the frog, “OK my little green friend, what’s next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit, Las Vegas.” The man guy says, “OK Froggy, now what?” The frog replies, “Ribbit, roulette table.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit, $30,000, Number 6.” The man and the other players go crazy, because he had just won a whopping $1,080,000. The man takes his winnings and checks-in to the Bellagio’s Presidential Suite. The extremely grateful, and now rich, man figures, “Why the Hell not? So he gives his new green best friend a kiss, and Boom, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. “And that, Your Honor, so help me God, is how that young girl ended up in my hotel room!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man got on a bus, with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.” The blond looked at him compassionately and said, “Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one. “I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter. “WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?” “I got it from my genie.” “You have a genie?” the first guy asked. “Yep, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops a real genie. The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me a wish?” “Yes, I will,” the genie replies. So the friend asks the genie for, “a million bucks.” Done! The genie replied, hops back into the golf bag and leaves the golfers standing there waiting for the “million bucks.” Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers. “Hey,” yells to disappointed golfer. “I asked you genie for million bucks, not a million ducks.” “Sorry,’ the other golfer replied, “He’s hard of hearing, and besides, do you really think that I’d ask a genie for a 12-inch BIC?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, “These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A hacker spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hacker, he, of course, plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so lousy all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?” asked the curious golfer.” It’s not a watch, sir. It’s a compass” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!” Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!” Mike had had enough. He shouted, “Would the horse’s ass in the clubhouse with the loud speaker kindly shut up and let me play my damn second shot!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, ‘Ma’am, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, “Please don’t go. I love you and I want you to stay with me.” The woman replied, “You don’t understand…I’m a hooker.” The man said, “That’s no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fellow caddy and myself recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An avid golfer goes to see a fortuneteller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. “I have good news and bad news,” she tells the golfer. “What’s the good news?” asks the golfer “The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth.” “What’s the bad news then?” he asks “You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. She takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car the husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt, it was a damn tap in! In fact, it was no longer than my pecker.” The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Husband and wife were playing in the club’s mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot, which went onto the green a foot from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it ten feet beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, “We’ll have to do better. That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear. “Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no undies. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!” Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jesus, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn’t want it known that he makes mistakes, so the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, “It’s simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Tom” sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. “Not worth it” he muttered” never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.” A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that’s terrible,” said Bob, “You sat you ‘think’ your wife is dead. Aren’t you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?!” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Hmmm,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.” The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two-foot putt and says again, “God dammit, I missed.” The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him. Then on the next hole he misses a one-foot putt and says, “God dammit, I missed.” All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, “God dammit, I missed.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, “Caddie, take my clubs on in, I’m going to jump into the water and drown myself.” The caddie replied, “I doubt that, sir. You couldn’t keep your head down long enough to drown!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” I asked. He responded, “I’ve never had an old ball.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160-yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre’s nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, “God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green.” As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, “Use a new ball, they go farther.” The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, “Take a practice swing first.” The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing. He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple had a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, “Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I’m a golf fanatic and I must play every day.” “I also need to tell you something,” she replies. “I’m a hooker, and I need to do it every day.” “That’s OK,” he said, “we’ll just play dog leg lefts.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The groups ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them. Soon the Marshall came around, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, “We’re sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won’t allow us to play through!” The Marshall stated, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind.” The Protestant cried, “Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.” The Catholic cried, “Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls.” The rabbi shouted, “So why can’t they play at night!?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The duffer decided that it was about time for a lesson to “tune up” his game. He told the pro that he wanted to work on swing mechanics, so the pro asked him to hit a few balls with his 9-iron so he could watch his swing. He addressed the ball, double-checked his stance and grip, executed his take-away and backswing, his downswing and follow through. But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. He looked back at the pro for advice, who told him “Your problem is obvious Sir—it’s LOFT.” The golfer scratched his head, went to his bag and pulled out his driver. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. He looked at the pro for a suggestion, who advised him “Your problem is still LOFT.” The frustrated student then pulled out a 5-iron, took his swing and struck an ugly duck hook. The pro again told him “I’m sorry, but your problem is still LOFT.” The golfer struggled to maintain his cool, and asked the pro, “I don’t understand. I hit my first shot with my 9-iron, and you said my problem was loft. Then I took my least lofted club, hit it again, and you said my problem was still loft. Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. What exactly do mean by LOFT?” The pro looked at him and explained, “L.O.F.T. - Lack Of Fucking Talent!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf. After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, “Could you please do me a favor?” “Sure,” she replied. He went on to say, “I can’t reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away.” “Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?” “No problem,” she replied. When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, “Gee, what are these for?” He replied, “Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I’m driving.” To which she commented, “Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. To which the caddie replied, “Eventually.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I had a terrible round today,” the golfer told his wife. “I only hit two good balls, and that was when I stepped on a rake.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A golfer was hitting a ball from the first hole in front of the clubhouse. The ball was sitting about 2-feet in front of the tee markers. The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.” The voice broke the man’s concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. The voice over the loudspeaker repeated, “Would the gentleman on the first tee PLEASE tee up his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.” The golfer backed away, strolled up to the starter and said, “Would you please tell the gentleman in the clubhouse that the gentleman on the first tee is hitting his second shot?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.” No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. To the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin. “Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?” The man answered, “I used YOUR 7-iron!!!!!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn’t the right club, “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.” Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I’m telling you, that’s not enough club!” Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.” Jesus said, “This will be fine—remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try. About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, “What’s he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” “No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. “Hey, it’s the least I could do. Sunday would have been our 35th wedding anniversary!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. It rattled through the rafters of the barn, shot out through a window, hit his wife on the head and killed her! It was ten years before the man could get the courage to play the course again. Sure enough, he got to the same hole, pulled his drive again and ended up behind the same storage barn. The man he was playing with this time said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” The man said, “I don’t think so. The last time I tried that, something terrible happened.” “What was that?” asked his friend. The man replied, “I got a seven!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her. When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, as after 17 holes she was at even par for the day. She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin—but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there’s thirty minutes of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life in it for you!” Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup.” The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.” The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee. The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titlist 1.” “That was my ball,” the guy said. “What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.” “Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When asked about his golf game a man replied, “It’s a lot like masturbation. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it’s disgusting to watch.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbatio You are slightly ashamed of what you have done and worst of all you know it will happen again! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers. Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball out of the earth’s beautiful buttercups, you will now be blessed with an unlimited supply of butter for the rest of your life!” “Well, thanks,” the man replied, “but where were you yesterday when I hit my ball into the pussy willows?” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren’t 10. Nuts…my shaft is bent ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the day after his Master’s victory, Tiger Woods tried to enter this very exclusive golf club. He was stopped at the gate by a security guard who said, “I am sorry sir but this club does not allow black people to enter. However, if you would still like to play, there is an excellent public course about a 3 wood down this road.” Tiger responds, “But I am Tiger Woods!” The guard replies, “I am terribly sorry I did not recognize you. In that case the other course is an easy 5 iron down the road.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It seems that there was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before. Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, “Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh, shit.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy had been on a deserted island for 10 years when he saw something approaching. Instead of a ship, it was a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. She took off the hood and shook out her long hair. She said to the guy, “How long has it been since you’ve had a smoke?” “I’ve been stranded on this island for ten years and haven’t had a smoke in all that time”, he replied. She promptly unzipped a pocket on her right sleeve and pulled out a pack of cigarettes for him. “I’ve been stranded on this island for ten years and haven’t had a drink in all that time”, he replied. His eyes bulged as he said, “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!!!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We’d booked a 2:00 PM tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb. We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation. Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!
A Rock Hudson Putt: Looks straight…but it ain’t… My stockbroker’s a golf nut. One day he called up and he said, “Guess what? I just broke 80! I said, “I know. I’m one of them.” Our minister was the best golfer in town. Look at all the practice he’s had in keeping his head down. It’s easy to tell a real dedicated doctor. He can never understand how a hooker can be happy. He claims it’s no sin to play golf on Sunday. But the way he plays, it’s a crime. His golf is improving. He’s missing the ball much closer than he used to! My doctor told me to play 36 holes a day, so I went out and bought a harmonica. I don’t want to excuse him of cheating, but once he had a hole-in-one and scored it as a zero. Then there’s the Scotsman who gave up golf after 20 years. He lost his ball. Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Fairway: [faer-wai]: An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.” Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players! Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly—or start cheating. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments. Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole. Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser! You know you’re a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball! I enjoy shooting in the 120’s. I figure I’m getting more for my money. The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing. Oxymoron: An easy par three. Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap. “My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!” Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well. Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed. Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt. Real golfers have two handicaps: one for braggin’ and one for betting’ Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play. How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration. The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax! Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball. The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun. You know it’s too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”?
He replied, “That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like Hell!”
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
The frog replies, “Ribbit, lucky frog.”
“What do you think frog?” the man asks.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom, a hole-in-one.
So off they go to Las Vegas.
They rush to the Strip, and scurry to the casino in the Bellagio.
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the best golf game of his life the man figures, “What the Hell!” So he nervously places a $30,000 bet on number 6, as the frog had instructed.
The croupier spins the wheel, and Boom, the little white ball drops into the slot for number 6.
Then he sits down next to the frog and says, “Froggy, I don’t know how I can ever repay you. You gave me by far the best round of golf I’ve ever had, and now you’ve won me over a million dollars on one spin of the wheel. I am truly forever in your debt. How can I ever possibly repay you?”
The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss me!”
“Ten years,” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
At one point the ball lay about 180-yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number one thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:
1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
As he enjoyed a smoke, she said, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”
She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. While he was enjoying a drink, she started to unzip the front of the wetsuit. While doing so, she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve played around?”Golf One-Liners
Golf Factoids
Golf and basketball are two games where the object is to get the ball into a hole. A golf hole is 4 ½ inches in diameter. The hole in a basketball hoop is 18 inches in diameter. Using the size of the golf hole and a basketball hoop for scale, a 12-foot putt is like sinking a 50-foot hoop! Like life, one’s golf game is made up by a series of absolute changes which are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
Golf Quotes
Ben Hogan: “I play with friends, but we don’t play friendly games.” “Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club don’t you?” “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” Bob Allen: “The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don’t put into it.” Bobby Jones: “Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears.” Bob Hope: “Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.” “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” Byron Nelson: “The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you’ve had already.” Dave Hill: “The golf swing is like sex. You can’t be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.” “Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.” Gary Player: “The harder you work, the luckier you get.” Harry Tofcano: “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.” Jack Nicklaus: “Golf is not and has never has been a fair game.” “I think I fail just a bit less than everyone else.” Lee Trevino: “You can make a lot of money as a pro golfer. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.” “There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.” “When I’m on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, ‘cause I know even God can’t hit a one iron.” “I’m going to win so much money this year; my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.” “Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.” “No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.” “You don’t know what pressure is until you’ve played for five dollars a hole with only two in your pocket.” “I’m in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.” “Golf, it’s the most fun I’ve ever had with my clothes on.” “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would have come up sliced.” “If my IQ had been two points lower I’d have been a plant somewhere.” “I’m hitting the driver so good I gotta dial the operator for long distance after I hit it.” Mark Twain: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Paul Harvey: “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore’, shoot six and write down five.” Tommy Bolt: “Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.” “The greatest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for merely exercise.” Tom Watson: “A lot of guys, who have never choked, have never been in the position to do so.” Winston Churchill: “Golf is a game whose aim it is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly ill designed for the purpose.” Don Carter: “One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that it’s really, really hard to lose a bowling ball.” Ken Venturi: “A student of mine said he wanted to get more distance, so I told him to hit it and run backwards.” Chi Chi Rodriguez: ”I read the greens in Spanish, but I putt in English.” Bruce Litsky: “The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.” Buddy Hackett: “I’ve had a good round of golf when I don’t fall out of the cart.” David Letterman: Golf vs. Sex - David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex… No. 10 - A below par performance is considered damn good. Anonymous: “Golf is what you play when you’re too old and out of shape to play softball.” “I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing… Keep your head down Follow through Have lots of money!” “My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.”
No. 9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
No. 8 - It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
No. 7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
No. 6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
No. 5 - Three times a day is possible.
No. 4 - Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
No. 3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
No. 2 - You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the Number 1 reason Why Golf is Better Than Sex is…
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
Golf Terms and Golf Talk
Homesick Gopher - a putted ball that goes straight in without using the lip. Cellophane Bridge - a putt that goes right over top of the hole. Grow hair / Grow fangs / Hit a House / Deploy The Chute - what you yell at a putt that needs to slow down In Northern Ontario - Hit a Moose is popular. Do you eat with those hands? / First day with the new hands? ... Said to your buddy after he hits a particularly bad chip or putt. It’s a condom ... it’s up there and safe but you don’t like it. Human rain delay ... a slow player or waiting while a player takes a leak. Red ass ... murdering the next tee shot after just missing a short bogey putt on the previous hole. A little light in the loafers ... hit a putt too easy. Loft ... lack of f**king talent. As in what’s your problem - loft! Thank the monkeys ... said when golfer benefits from hitting a tree. Write when you get work ... spoken to a putt that has just past the hole and is still going hard. I see you played a little float on that shot (or) next time less fade/draw and more float ... said to golfer who skims shot off a water hazard to safety/shot skips on water hazard before drowning. Cart path golf ... look to see which side of the fairway the cart path runs. For cart path only days or when you drive it near the cart path. Pitching wood ... said as partner skies their drive. Got my putter stuck in my bra ... said when leaving the putt short or way off line. Wearing your wife’s undies today? said when a man leaves a putt short. Just like a teenager, it went off in your hands ... said to playing partner who just blasted a putt 8 feet past the hole. One in a row ... after you finally hit a decent shot. Put some hair around it… When he can’t find the hole. Juan es alto ... another saying after someone skies a ding “fore.” Shank you! ... Shank you very much. I’ve got my veggie game today ... said to your playing partners when your game is lifeless and shows little sign of a pulse. Could also be said when you “dribble” one off the tee. Oh the humanity! ... What you yell after an extremely bad shot. A.M.F. ... ball gone out of bounds is “Adios Mother Fucker! NBA 3-pointer - shot holed out on the fly. Acne scars - Lunar landscape- unrepaired ball marks on green. Getting your money’s worth - Many strokes. Here’s looking’ at you, kid - refers to a bogey (of course). Drive for show, Putt for dough, Shank for comic relief. Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well. Real golfers know how to count over five, when they have a bad hole. Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed. In golf as in life, it’s the follow through that makes the difference. Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play. Real golfers don’t cry when they line up their fourth putt. If there is any larceny in man, golf will bring it out.
We knew there was a hole somewhere ... after someone in you foursome finally sinks a putt.
Does your husband play golf ... said to a male player after his putt comes up short.
Better throw a provisional. ... When your partner angrily throws a club but it’s not in the fairway.
Gargle peanut butter ... when someone chokes.
Houston… we have a problem ... for very high tee shots.
Mother-in-law putt ... nothing but lip.
That’ll play ... what your playing partner says when you hit the ball, but not all that well.
LPGA putt ... goes both ways.
Honeymoon putt ... goes off in your hands.
Alice ... a putt that comes up short, golfer has no balls.
Lawrence of Arabia ... you (or your buddy) has been in the sand all day!
Casual golf ... what does not land in the fairway is regarded as casual water.
Leaving nothing in you bag ... when you (or a buddy) swings so hard, you do a 360, and almost auger yourself into the ground.
Army golf ... left-right-left-right.
Blew by you ... you hit your drive past your buddies and call it a Linda Ronstat “blew by you.”
Fore lord! ... Your partner yells this after you hitting a ball a mile in the air.
USA ... “you shoot again” or “your still away” usually said after someone blows a putt way past the hole and he is still out.
Rommell ... hit from one sand trap into another sand trap.
Third world putt ... just one more revolution!
Into the kitty litter with all the other shit! ... A bad one into the trap.
Boy, this course is hard! ... What you say after whiffing the ball completely.
Having a religious golf experience ... standing over the ball way too long.
On the dance floor but can’t hear the music ... the wrong side of a very large green.
Yank it and spank it ... fast play golf.
Life is a beach ... hit into a sand trap.
Screwing a fat one ... chunking the ball, rolling all the way, and ending up 12 inches from the pin. You weren’t very proud of it, but it sure feels good!!
Victory lap… All-around good putt ... Dolly Parton ... a putt that uses all of the cup before falling into the hole.
Brother-in-law - best-ball partners helping each other out really well.
Bleached skull - ball in sand.
Hit a 3-wood - what you say to somebody who’s got a really long putt.
Mexican hat dance - Refers to lots of spike marks around the hole.
Thank you, Mr. Nicklaus - what you say to person who just gave you an unsolicited tip.
In Jail - deep in the trees with no shot out.
Australian rules - playing winter rules in the summer (because it’s winter in Australia).
Sansabelt Tour – Geezer Tour - the PGA Senior (Champions) Tour.
Good punt - Hit one straight up in the air.
Pop to short, grounder to third, etc. - Baseball metaphors for bad shots.
Home run - Hit one over everything & out of bounds.
Worm Burner - A shot going a long way on the ground.
Cup Sucker - Ball rims around the hole a few times and does not fall.
Flop-flop - birdie (sound of bird’s wings going flop-flop).
Run it out - pop up off the tee.
Touch ‘em all - drive hit OB.
Bedroom Golf Rules
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the CLUB in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict shaft length so not to damage the hole(s). 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be their private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. 12. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find an alternate means of play when this occurs. 13. Players are strongly encouraged to obtain permission before playing the Back Nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a faster pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance; time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Golf Truths
We understand that this list of Golf Truths was begun by a fellow named Dan Rodriguez of Cabot, Arkansas. If you have any additions please send them to us at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of not at all. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip. Golfers, who claim they don’t cheat, also lie. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Hazards attract; fairways repel. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. Always concede the fourth putt Bunkers have the unnerving habit of rushing out to meet your ball. Coincidentally the only remaining set of clubs in the professional’s shop was made especially for you. Curing the faults in your swing can never be affected in just one lesson from a professional. Curly, downhill, left-to-right putts are usually followed by curly, uphill, right-to-left putts. Delicate chip shots over bunkers always catch the top of the bank and fall back. During the first round with a brand new set of clubs, the ball has to be played from a road. Electric trolleys always break down at the furthest point from the clubhouse. Finding the key to a better game means opening a lot of doors. Foursomes golf means always having to say you’re sorry. Golf is like sex: afterwards you feel you should have scored at little better. Golf is the only game in which you fail to win 99 per cent of the time. Greens are hollow-tined and dressed the day before a competition. Handicaps are designed to keep you in your place. Hitting an iron off the tee for safety means same direction, less distance. If a golfer wishes to give you a blow-by-blow account of his round, ask him to start with his final putt on the 18th green. If a good course is one where you play to your handicap or better and a bad course is one where you struggle to break 100, why are there so many bad courses? If the club is burgled, your clubs are never stolen. And if they are, you are underinsured. If there is one solitary tree located on a hole, your ball will find it with unerring accuracy. If you are giving strokes in a match it’s always too many: if you are receiving them it’s never enough. If you are playing well in a competition, your partner will tell you that if you keep it up you must win. This remark ensures that you finish with a string of double-bogeys. If you find your ball in the woods, it is unplayable. If a professional finds his ball in woods, not only is it playable but he can also hit it onto the green. If you have a hole-in-one in a competition you are in the last group and the bar is packed when you come in. If you have difficulty meeting new people, try picking up someone else’s golf ball. If you’re out in 39 and home in 45 you’re playing wartime golf. Immediately you put on your waterproofs it stops raining. In a four-ball game, your partner is right on his game while you aren’t or vice versa. In a match, younger golfers always have your measure…so do older golfers for that matter. In a pro-am, you are the last to drive off after your professional and partners have all hit screamers. In most medal rounds, you start badly then fade away. It’s always the next round that will find you playing your normal game. Keeping your head down means you’ll be looking at a very large divot. Lagging a putt from three feet means you’ve got the yips. No successive swings are ever the same except when you hit consecutive shots out of bounds. Nobody ever coughs on your follow through. Out-of-bounds fences are located a foot the wrong side of your ball. Passing lorry-drivers always shout ‘Fore’ at the top of your backswing. People who say a shank is close to a perfect shot have never had four in a row. Quote from Christy O’Connor: ‘If it wasn’t my living, I wouldn’t play golf if you paid me.’ Shots that finish close to the pin are never as close when you get there. Spike marks always deflect your ball away from the hole. Teeing up on the side nearest the out-of-bounds means your ball will finish in the cabbage on the other side. The captain of the Club you wish to join turns out to be someone you were at school with: and you never got on. The Club secretary is always on the course when you want him, but is in the bar when you sub is overdue. The distant puff of sand you see means that your ball has not carried the bunker and what’s more, it is plugged under the lip. The fact that trees are ninety per cent air does not mean your ball will avoid the remaining ten per cent of timber. The first tee shot following a lesson travels 20 yards along the ground. The first time you enter the club’s knockout competition you are drawn against the club champion in the first round. The hickory-shafted driver that you found in your grandmother’s attic turns out to be worth only $10. The latest piece of written instruction never works on the course. The love of your life either hates golf or is a better player than you. The more you play a course the more obsessed you become with its dangers. The most important inches in golf are not those between the ears: they are the ones between your ball and the hole on the fourth putt. The number of practice balls recovered is always less than the number hit. The only available space in the car park is always furthest from the locker-room. The only downwind holes are par threes. The people in front of you are playing too slowly; the people behind you are playing too quickly. The reserve glove you have kept for wet weather has shrunk. The sand in the bunkers is never the right texture for your particular technique. The shorter the putt, the smaller the hole becomes. The shortest distance between the ball and the target is never a straight line. Waterproof trousers cannot be removed without falling over. Whatever the rule for a particular situation, you’ve probably broken it. When playing to a temporary green, your ball finishes stone dead to the hole cut in the proper green. When there is one minute left to get to the first tee, a shoelace breaks. When you are looking for your ball, it is found (a) when you have trudged back and put another ball in play, (b) when the five minutes search time has elapsed, (c) when you tread on it and incur a penalty. When you can tear yourself away from the office for a rare midweek round you find yourself in the midst of a visiting society. When you drive your car to a pro-am, you are caught in an impenetrable traffic jam. When you play a shot from a bunker and the ball hits the bank, there is a split second when you have no idea as to the ball’s whereabouts before it plummets down on your foot. Whenever you take your clubs on holiday, you leave your game behind. While unloading your golf bag from the car, the golf balls fall out all over the tarmac car park and roll under the other cars. Your best drive of the day finishes in a divot hole. Your best medal round of the year is one shot too many to win the competition. Your controlled draw rapidly develops into a chronic hook: similarly, your controlled fade is, in reality, a vicious slice. Your favorite golf sweater is the one that gets shrunk in the wash. Your first hole-in-one is always achieved when playing alone. Your greatest round takes place against an important business contact that you can’t afford to humiliate. Your natural ability as a golfer is in inverse proportion to the amount of money you spend on new equipment. Pine trees eat golf balls. Hazards attract; fairways repel. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. Aim for the bunker, you’ll never hit it. A putt cannot be wished into the cup. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip. Golfers, who claim they don’t cheat, also lie. It rains only when you forget your umbrella. Two putts on a slick green are only the beginning. Golf should be given up at least twice per month. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50’ putt when you lie 9. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. There is more to life than to break par, but not much more. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. A shot in the lake is an act of God, but a hole-in-one is mine alone. “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” “Tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.” The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you? Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. A group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, and convict. All 1 Irons are demon-possessed. Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water When nature calls bathrooms will always be three holes away. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day. If there is more than one way to hit the ball, you will always choose the wrong way. Golf is a game of inches. Your ball inches into the creek, inches into the sand ... When you’re desperate for a par, a double bogey is on the horizon. Any difficult shot can be made to be impossible if enough time is made to study it. Gale force winds that drive your ball back into your face will disappear when it’s your opponents turn. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the start of the next group of three Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. There are two kinds of bounces, unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it. If you play one good round of golf a month, it will be outside of tournament play. The one good round of golf will drop your handicap and place you into a flight you can’t hope to compete in. The more simple the putt, the greater the chance is of blowing it. On a shot out of bounds, you can find everyone’s ball but your own. Any mistake made on your scorecard will not be to your advantage. If your golf swing feels natural you’re doing it wrong. The best tee times are allotted to people who deserve them the least. Once struck, the golf ball acquires a mind of its own. The best way to play the hole will become obvious as soon as you have finished your round. It is easier to get water to flow uphill than to get any sympathy in a locker room. A good disposition indicates that the ball has not been teed up, yet. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases proportionately with the number of people you tell about the former. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down, and worshipped. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. What you see the pros do on TV is almost impossible for the rest of us to copy, unless it’s the first time golfer who has no idea of what they’ve just done. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of the backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20, handicap 15, downswing 300mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. If faced with a full shot to the green while the foursome ahead is still putting, you seem to have only you have two options. You can immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and top the ball halfway there. A third, lesser know, option that ensures you will hit the green, 10’ past hole high, is to hit it right away. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to dis his own haircut. There are two types of luck in golf, (1) bad luck-which belongs to you and (2) good luck-which belongs to your opponents. If a normally fast group of four has difficulty on the first hole, the slow group behind will insist on playing through. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls. The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. Some useful reminders to use when playing golf is that when another foursome is on the green, please remember that “Fore!” is not an excuse, “So what?” is not an apology, and “Up yours” is not an explanation. Making golf fun for everyone in your group is always of the highest importance. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot. The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball 260 yards down the middle. There are also two rules that always apply when playing golf. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be one hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off. Also, you haven’t really played golf until you’ve had to decide which opening in the trees gives you the best chance of getting back to the fairway.
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
Palm trees eat golf balls.
Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent—or some similar combination.
All drivers are demon-possessed.
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
“Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sun sets.
Top 10 Golf Lists
Top 10 reasons why golf is better than sex 10. Choice of public or private courses 9. Lessons are available 8. If you’re good you can turn pro and do it full time 7. Can clean balls at every hole 6. Choice of wood, aluminum or graphite 5. The less strokes the better 4. If you lose a ball, you still have two left 3. Threesomes and foursomes happen all the time 2. Can pick the size of your shaft 1. Every hole is well groomed and manicured Top 10 Signs Your Partner is a Murderer 10. You start out as a foursome and end up a duo 9. He celebrates his hole-in-one by strangling a squirrel 8. Claims his ball was planted in the sand trap by Mark Fuhrman 7. When he yells “Fore!” people really pay attention 6. Always wants to bet $8.5 million a hole 5. Gets really jumpy whenever anyone goes near his golf bag 4. When you drive into the rough, he says, “You play golf about as well as 3. His last partner was found hanging off the little windmill at the local 2. When you ask, “What’s your handicap?” he says, “Violent paranoid 1. His caddy: A.C. Cowlings
Marcia Clark prosecutes!”
putt-putt
schizophrenia”
Characters at the Golf Club
As if assigned by nature, it just so happens that every golf club in the world has one member who knows it all and has done it all. These are usually perfectly honorable folks whose only abnormality is a high balata count in their blood. The best thing you can do about NPEs and other obnoxious golf characters is to be where they aren’t. If you cannot avoid dealing with them, look on the bright side. You might just have a perfect opportunity to tell them exactly why they drive you bonkers. That’s at least as satisfying as a tweeter on a long par-4!
They love golf, whether it be talking about it, dreaming about it, watching it on TV or flipping through a golf magazine. Golf is everything to them. They wear golf attire to the shopping mall, they browse though pro shops to kill time and they re-grip clubs just for the fun of it. Some even go so far as to volunteer their time marshaling amateur and juniors tournaments. They live golf, eat golf and breathe golf. However, odd as it may seem, they never seem to actually play golf. These are the so-called Non-Playing Experts (NPEs), most of whom stand out more clearly than a new gray hair.
You are best advised to make the acquaintance of your nearest Non-Playing Expert. NPEs can come in handy and are always there when you need them. They love to settle bets, offer advice and a lend helping hand. NPEs are incalculable resources and darn loyal friends. The nuggets of golf wisdom and lore you’ll learn from your NPEs will more than pacify your persistent desire to challenge one of them to a friendly match. They are golf Dom’s equivalent to embarrassing family relations. You will often have no choice but to dutifully indulge them. Be polite. Hide your disdain. Obnoxious golfers are usually—and thankfully—confined to the following categories.
The Cheater - This type of player is typically so obvious in his cheating ways that it is also obvious he doesn’t even realize he is doing it. Or perhaps he is utterly devoid of pride. In either case he is better avoided than befriended.
The Rules Expert - This golfer is impressive but tiresome. You can learn a lot from her in a single round, in fact, you can learn enough for the entire season. However, the average human brain cannot process more than one round worth of golf rules, so don’t let the Rules Expert corner you too long.
The Bitching-Moaner - Some folks never learn to control their emotions or their mouths. The golfer who can’t restrain himself is a menace to the game. Do your best to be kind to him or he’ll likely bitch and moan about you to your impressionable colleagues.
The Go-for-Broker - This golfer is fun to be around but is liable to punctuate your round with bursts of elation and despair. If you’ve got a good game going, the Go-for-Broker can be bothersome because she has a knack for converting your attention away from your own game toward hers.
The Golf Consumer - The golfer who loves to shop for all the latest golf gadgets is marvelous to observe at a distance; it’s when he gets closer you must fear. He’s dying to show you his aerodynamically designed wind-resistant driver or his crazy new over-sized putter. Avoid him unless you are interested in trying out one of his novelties. He loves to lend them out just to affirm his decision to acquire them.
The Non-Instructive Instructor - Every golfing clique has a player who can’t restrain herself when it comes to offering golf advice. She’s read the current articles, seen the latest golf tips on TV and knows the newest theory on technique, yet she doesn’t apply these lessons to her own game. Always listen to the Non-Instructive Instructor’s suggestions but promptly dispose of them when they don’t make sense.
The Practice Swinger - No golfer alive has escaped the misery of playing with a golfer who takes endless practice swings before each shot. The Practice Swinger is also likely to pause for a century before beginning his actual stroke. He is impervious to correction. If you are stuck in a foursome with a slow-ass player, call your next appointment in advance to apologize for your tardiness.
The Gimmie-Taker - We all know golfers who, rather than face the prospect of missing a short but tricky putt, will quickly knock it away from the hole without the customary permission (“It’s good.”) to do so. There is nothing you can do to prevent this unsightly habit except to insist before commencing the round that “nothing is good.” The Gimmie-Taker will hate you but you’ll have the satisfaction of lightening her purse in return.
The First-Timer - The only thing worse than playing behind a group containing a First-Timer is playing with such a creature yourself. It is the closest thing to medieval torture. No serious golfer can stand the pain. If you are forced to dither under such a circumstance feel free to pass the time playing a second or third ball.
Business Golf
Ten Commandments of Business Golf I. The object of playing the game is to impress; perception is more important than reality. II. When playing with superiors you must pre-determine the outcome of the match. III. Observance of the Rules and Etiquette of Golf is mandatory whenever you are in sight of other players. IV. Always maintain an even temper but take advantage of feigning anger and disgust at strategic moments. V. Find creative, non-threatening ways of focusing the topic of conversation on the most lucrative deal possible. VI. Never offer advice; if asked, promptly change the subject. VII. Always offer compliments to other players even if such recognition is not merited. VIII. Always offer to pay for incidentals like balls, hot dogs and your wagering losses. IX. Your bag should contain a flask of bourbon and a half dozen fine cigars and you should not fail to generously offer them to your colleagues. X. Always bring your pocket phone or pager on the course and make sure it rings at least once. The Golfing Executive For the junior exec on the rise, it is essential to create a work environment that promotes efficiency, comfort and professionalism, and offers you plenty of room to groove your game. Your office should be a creative balance between work and golf, emphasizing your devotion to both. Care should be taken to give your office the appearance of your excellent work ethic even if in reality its main functions may be hiding from the boss, making tee times and practicing your swing or putting. Consider these Business Golf Suggestions 1. Choose an office with a twelve-foot ceiling so you can enjoy an unobstructed swing. 2. Select carpeting that rolls like a putting green. 3. Buy a desk big enough to hide your golf bag beneath but not so big as to diminish your practice area. 4. Festoon your shelves with golf books, trophies and plaques, old tournament clubhouse passes, a collectible or two and an autographed photo of you and your favorite golf pro. A poster of one of those fantasy golf holes is a nice touch, too. 5. Get golf game and handicap computation software on your computer and install a “boss button” in case you’re caught unawares. 6. Keep a change of clothes, training aids, astro-turf pad and other golf paraphernalia in the closet. If you don’t have a closet, get a ready-to-assemble vestibule and don’t forget to install a dead-bolt lock. Golfer Personality Profiles One of the most intriguing aspects of golf is the correlation between a person’s conduct on the course and that same person’s character qualities in life and work. You may have already noticed how golf is uniquely suited to negotiating and closing business deals. Now, using my patented system, you may determine with pinpoint accuracy the personality of your rival on the course and use that insight to further your own greater goals. 1. If he practices and plays well on the course, he will be eager to learn and a success at whatever he tries. 2. If she doesn’t cheat or fudge rules, she will be honest and reward honesty in others. 3. If he dresses appropriately on the course, he will project a positive professional image for his company. 4. If she likes to wager, she will be a bold and creative manager willing to take risks. 5. If he helps look for lost balls, he will be a good team player and always go that extra mile. 6. If she selects clubs confidently, she will be decisive and invariably get whatever she goes after. 7. If he reads greens well, he will be detail oriented and produce high quality work. 8. If she keeps her temper on bad shots, she will handle pressure well and be able to come up with quick innovative solutions to problems. 9. If he keeps a clean score card, he will be neat and systematic and will finish projects in a timely manner. 10. If she replaces divots and rakes traps, she will be conscientious, organized and ready to leave the mistakes of the past behind.
The following bits of ancient and royal wisdom are now yours to exploit:
499 Reasons and Excuses to Play Golf
499 Reasons and Excuses to Go Play Golf
1.
1. A free round of golf was included with lessons.
2. A free round of golf was thrown in for test-driving the car.
3. After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.
4. All the cool kids play golf.
5. All the executives from my company play this course.
6. All the pin placements are forward today.
7. All the TV shows are reruns.
8. Because I am retired.
9. Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I’m going golfing.
10. Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
11. Excuse? I don’t need no stinking excuse!
12. Free beer at the turn.
13. Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course.
14. Golf brings our my best competitive nature.
15. Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.
16. Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can’t talk constantly.
17. Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
18. History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
19. I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
20. I always meet interesting people on the course.
21. I always play well when it rains.
22. I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.
23. I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today, so I’m going.
24. I am required to golf for work; I love my job.
25. I am sick of playing golf on my computer. I want to play for real.
26. I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.
27. I bought a double titanium krypton driver with atomic shaft and sand grooved grips. I need to try it but.
28. I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.
29. I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.
30. I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes off your score.
31. I called in sick at work.
32. I came home from work, and a note instructed me to leave and go golfing.
33. I can expense it for business purposes.
34. I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.
35. I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.
36. I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew.
37. I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.
38. I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try the real thing.
39. I couldn’t golf when I was married, so any time is good now.
40. I do all my praying on the course.
41. I don’t have a logo ball from that course.
42. I don’t have time for the driving range, but I have time to play 18.
43. I enjoy driving the golf carts.
44. I enjoy hitting things.
45. I enjoy looking for my ball in the rough.
46. I enjoy looking through the used golf balls in the pro shop.
47. I enjoy nature.
48. I enjoy the peace and quiet on the course.
49. I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass.
50. I enjoy wearing golf caps.
51. I finally can make my ball go left to right.
52. I finally have a chance to play with someone worse than me.
53. I finished all my projects at work.
54. I finished cutting my grass.
55. I gambled away my mortgage money last week, so I need to win it back today.
56. I gave up intimacy with my wife, so this is my new vice.
57. I get depressed when I don’t play.
58. I get more work done on the course than at the office.
59. I collect used tees in all the tee boxes.
60. I could finally afford a pair of name brand clubs - I want to see if I can break 120!
61. I golf around Chicago, hoping to see Michael Jordan.
62. I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.
63. I golf every day that ends in a ‘y’.
64. I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.
65. I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.
66. I got a new pair of knickers.
67. I got a super deal on a golf package.
68. I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)
69. I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.
70. I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.
71. I got new license plates for my golf cart today. I want to see how they look.
72. I got the hots for the beer girl.
73. I got the membership as a gift for Christmas.
74. I got those new golf balls that fly ‘too far’; I have to try them out.
75. I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.
76. I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.
77. I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.
78. I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!
79. I had to drive all the way to another city to help you move, I’m sure going to golf.
80. I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends.
81. I had to make a sales call at the course anyway.
82. I hate NASCAR, and that’s all that’s on TV.
83. I have a coupon from the newspaper.
84. I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.
85. I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.
86. I have a rain check from yesterday.
87. I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.
88. I have already seen all the movies at the video store, so I’m going golfing.
89. I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.
90. I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.
91. I have been practicing putting on my carpet; now I want to see if the practice has paid off.
92. I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.
93. I have been taking golf vitamins, which are supposed to allow me to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.
94. I have been watching the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched to try what I learned.
95. I have been working way too hard; I need to relax.
96. I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.
97. I have never eagled a hole before. I feel lucky.
98. I have never had the chance to golf in Arizona.
- I have never played a canyon course before.
100. I have not played since last summer.
101. I have only played that course on my computer.
102. I have some extra money for greens fees from my company’s profit sharing.
103. I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I do.
104. I have to get used to my new putter.
105. I have to golf as much as possible. Here in Alaska we can only golf 4 months out of the year.
106. I have to golf; it’s a guy thing.
107. I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!
108. I have to make sure my back stays loose.
109. I have to pay the country club dues; I might as well get my money out of it.
110. I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.
111. I have to practice for the tournament next week.
112. I have to see how my new lesson worked out.
113. I have to see if I eliminated my slice.
114. I have to see if my new sunglasses really help me read the greens better.
115. I have to see if these new golf balls will float.
116. I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it was in the prenuptial.
117. I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.
118. I have to test this new allergy medicine - the course is the perfect testing ground.
119. I have to try my new sand wedge.
120. I have to try out this new hat.
121. I haven’t played the course in ten years since I moved away.
122. I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.
123. I heard a new tee box was added.
124. I heard golf is much easier when you’re sober, so I have to try it.
125. I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.
126. I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.
127. I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn. I have to crown the new bathroom.
128. I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.
129. I just bought a new golf glove off the web.
130. I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with the slip-proof soft-spikes.
131. I just bought a putter that is guaranteed to cut 10 strokes off my round.
132. I just bought my new car; I need to see if it will make it all the way to the course.
133. I just bought some slice-proof tees.
134. I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they work.
135. I just can get more business done on the course.
136. I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee box each morning.
137. I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I improved.
138. I just finished the book titled ‘Learn to Golf in Twenty Minutes’.
139. I just got a new yardage gauge.
140. I just got an 87-degree wedge that if swung properly, will go backwards.
141. I just got new glasses; I have to see if I can follow the ball.
142. I just got the high spin, titanium-tungsten-liquid filled golf balls.
143. I just got tungsten irons in the mail.
144. I just had graphite shafts put on my clubs.
145. I just learned how to hit the ball left to right. I think I can finally control the ball.
146. I just like wearing golf shoes; they are so comfortable.
147. I just love screaming the word ‘Fore’.
148. I just love teeing it high and letting it fly.
Addicted To Golf
“Hi my name is Bernie and I’m a Golfer…”
While some like to debate whether golf is a game or a sport, I’m debating whether golf is a sport or a drug.
From The Addiction Research Foundation here are 10 indicators of a golf addiction
� Unusual flare-ups or outbreaks of temper (every second shot)
� Association with known substance abusers (other golfers)
� Constantly spending money on achieving more, better “highs”
� Flying to foreign countries to find the best “stuff”
� Uncharacteristically passive behavior; or combative and argumentative behavior
� Gradual development of dysfunction, especially in job performance or school work
� Availability and consumption of substance becomes the focus of social or professional activities
� Abrupt changes in work or school attendance, quality of work, work output, grades, discipline
� Impaired interpersonal relationships; troubled marriage, unexplainable termination of deep relationships, alienation from close family members
� Significant changes in sleeping and waking hours (i.e. waking up at 6:00AM on Saturday mornings)
Common Denials
I am NOT addicted. I can stop any time I want. Really. No, really I could if I wanted to. Just to prove I have some will power left, I’m not going to subscribe to the Golf Channel, at least not until February.
It seems that when I need a higher fix on golf I know I can go to someone that can give me something better. He’s a local guy. They call him “The Pro.� He usually has some pretty good stuff for me to try.
20 Signs You Could Be “Addicted to Golf”
1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open on a Saturday night.
2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.
3. You haven’t puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half hours.
4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.
5. You secretly wish evil on your playing partners.
6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.
7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on Sunday.
8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.
9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.
10. You make small practice swings in church during the services.
11. You smile even if you lose the weekend Nassau, and then proceed to bang your head to the wall inside the shower.
12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.
13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.
14. When your playing partner says he sees lightning, your reply is “what lightning?”
15. You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to anyone who will listen.
16. Tell the same person you read the tip from David Leadbetter’s book, after realizing that you were talking to the club pro.
17. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.
18. People in your family get their supply of sunscreen from you when they go swimming.
19. You get burned by the sun and you’re proud of it.
20. You took the time to read this.
The Final Analysis
� When you stop playing golf, if you wake up at night in a cold sweat and you can’t breath until you swing a club, you’re probably addicted.
� If when the boss is really on your case and all you can think of is getting to the first tee, golf is a coping mechanism.
� If all you can think of is golf, even while you are having fun, you are probably obsessed. Of course none of this applies if you can make a living at it. Then you are just a pro.
� Whatever you do, stay away from counselors, analysts, etc. Remember, an addiction is whatever they can bill for.
� Don’t worry. We understand there’s a new 18-step program available now to help us deal with it.
Air Travel Options
With the airlines finally coming out of their financial tailspin, route cutting and mergers, small markets like Myrtle Beach continue to, at best, tread water.
Myrtle Beach’s hometown airlines, Hooter’s Air, crashed and burned, while AirTran, ComAir and Vacation Express have moved on to greener pastures.
Myrtle Beach’s best kept air travel secret is Spirit Airlines which flies to Myrtle Beach from Atlantic City (ACY), New Jersey, Cancun (CUN), Mexico, Chicago/O’Hare (ORD), Illinois, Detroit (DTW), Michigan, Ft. Lauderdale (FLL), Florida, Ft. Myers (RSW), Florida, Las Vegas (LAS), Nevada, Los Angeles (LAX), California, Nassau (NAS), Bahamas, New York/ LaGuardia (LGA), New York, Orlando (MCO), Florida, Providence/Boston (PVD, Rhode Island, San Juan (PJU), Puerto Rico, Santo Domingo (SDQ) Dominican Republic, Tampa (TPA), Florida, Washington, DC/Washington National (DCA) and West Palm Beach (PBI), Florida. Many of their flights are direct, so be sure to check them first.
The latest Myrtle Beach air travel venture, which we said would never fly - pardon the pun - Myrtle Beach Direct Air, has happily proved us dead wrong. They offer direct service to Columbus, Ohio (COO), Gulfport/Biloxi, Mississippi (GLT), Newark, New Jersey (NEA), Niagara Falls, New York (NLL), Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (PSR), Plattsburgh, New York (PSN) and Tampa/St. Petersburg, Florida (TPL). They continue to add destinations, and make us look like fools, but, hey, we’re glad to be fools in cases like the success of Myrtle Beach Direct Air. Be sure and check them out 2nd.
Myrtle Beach Airline Reservations |
|
ASA/Delta
|
800.221.1212 |
Continental Airlines
|
800.523.3273
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Myrtle Beach DirectAir http://www.myrtlebeachdirectair.com
|
877.432.3473 |
Northwest Airlines
|
800.225.2525 |
United Express
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800.241.6522 |
USAirways
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800.428.4322 |
Custom Clubmaking
CUSTOM CLUBMAKING – Not to be confused with people who assemble golf clubs as a hobby from poor quality components which are clones or imitations of brand name golf clubs, the community of independent professional clubmakers take pride in their ability to properly fit and build custom made golf clubs of the highest possible quality. These professional clubmakers stand out in the field as a result of their training, experience and attention to every detail in the fitting and building of golf clubs that truly match the physical characteristics and swing mechanics of golfers of all abilities from the recreational golfer to the professional. A professional clubmaker guides the golfer through an extensive fitting session to analyze all aspects of their physical attributes, swing movements, playing strengths and weaknesses to be able to recommend the proper individual specifications of the clubheads, shafts and grips with the correct assembly specifications to allow the golfer to maximize their ability to improve performance. True custom fitting is not achieved through a trial and error hitting session of golf clubs from a rack or cart with limited options in their models of clubheads, shafts and grips. A professional clubmaker considers every one of the more than 20 different specifications that make up a golf club and will select from hundreds of different possible combinations of different clubheads, shafts and grips to build each custom fit set of clubs. Professional clubmakers may use a variety of sophisticated analytical equipment in the fitting session such as launch monitors, video systems and an array of measurement devices to obtain the information about each golfer from which they make their fitting recommendations. In addition, many have completed the accreditation examination from the Professional Clubmakers’ Society to verify their skills in the field and obtain the distinction of Class A Clubmaker. The following is the list of custom clubmakers in the Myrtle Beach area, but as none of at the MBGA has had custom clubs made for us, we do not have any first-hand knowledge about any of them… Bill Hood Ken Green Rick Olzer
Arcadian Classic
Arcadian Shores Golf Club
701 Hilton Road
Myrtle Beach, SC 29572
843.449.9197
Little River Custom Golf
2229 Highway 17 North
Little River, SC 29566
843.249.6690
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Myrtle Beach Club Crafters
100 Highway 17 North
North Myrtle Beach, SC 29582
877.832.0366
843.249.9722
www.myrtlebeachclubcrafters.com
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Kids and Junior Golf
KIDS AND JUNIOR GOLF – With respect to Junior Golf and the Myrtle Beach golf courses that offer “kids play free, when accompanied by an adult” programs, we recommend that you contact Tracy Connor at the Myrtle Beach Golf Course Owner’s Association. He replaced the biggest horse’s ass in the Myrtle Beach golf community, and will do whatever he can to assist the people who contact him about kids and junior golf. Tracy Connor
Myrtle Beach Golf Course Owner’s Association
754 Howard Parkway
Myrtle Beach, SC 29577
843.477.8833 Ext. 230
Golf Lessons
GOLF LESSONS - With close to 100 golf courses in the Myrtle Beach area, one would expect there to be an abundance of golf schools and teaching pros here – not so. While every Joe Pro in town hawks golf lessons, 95% of them can’t cut the mustard. With respect to the BEST teaching pros here, Mike Schroder and Nick Bradley are the top two for men. As to the best female instructors, the MBGA Team is currently re-evaluating that roster. Michael Schroder Nick Bradley The others are… Arcadian Shores Golf School Chuck Wike Classic Swing Golf School Glen Davis Grande Dunes Golf Academy Steve Dresser
PGA Class A Professional
1043 Linda Drive
Conway, SC 29526
800.421.6296
843.347.7827
4980 Barefoot Resort Bridge Road
North Myrtle Beach, SC 29582
843.390.3202
701 Hilton Road
Myrtle Beach, SC 29572
866.326.5275
843.449.5217
1027 Wilbrook Blvd.
Pawleys Island, SC 29585
866.715.4161
843.979.4999
1500 Legends Drive
Post Office Box 50955
Myrtle Beach, SC 29579
800.827.2656
843.236.9318
1000 Wild Wing Blvd.
Conway, SC 29526
843.267.2288
Grande Dunes Blvd.
Myrtle Beach, SC 29572
866.554.1537
843.449.7070
80 Pinehurst Lane
Pawleys Island, SC 29585
800.397.2678
Women-Friendly Golf Courses
WOMEN-FRIENDLY GOLF COURSES – Thanks to our friends at the Myrtle Beach Chapter of the Executive Women’s Golf Association, here are the most women-friendly golf courses in the Myrtle Beach area… Arrowhead Blackmoor Brunswick Plantation Caledonia Diamond Back Farmstead Heritage Indigo Creek Litchfield Meadowlands Myrtle Beach National - SouthCreek Myrtle Beach National - West Pawley’s Plantation Tradition Wachesaw East Women’s groups coming to Myrtle Beach to play golf can contact the local chapter of EWGA for a challenge match. Contact EWGA’s hotline at 843.282.2277 and leave a message and they will get back to you.
Women’s Golf
WOMEN’S GOLF – It’s still being documented that women are the fastest growing segment of the golfing population, yet they are the quickest ones to give it up soon after attempting to learn. Why? We think the biggest reason is the cavalier way women are treated by the chauvinistic jerks at the golf courses, but another key factor is the difficulty women have in finding a golf instructor they can comfortably relate to? We believe that the best route for women to take, when taking up the game, or in trying to improve their play, is to take lessons from a female golf pro. Here are some things women should consider when searching for the right golf instructor… Teaching Experience – When selecting a surgeon for a major operation you’d choose one with the best experience, so you would be best served to follow that same path with your golf instructor. Choose someone who is a certified Teaching Professional devoting all her time to teaching the game as she’ll be much more knowledgeable. She should also be a Class A member of the PGA of America or LPGA Teaching Division whenever possible.
Aeration
AERATION – Is the maintenance practice done routinely on fairways, tees and especially on the greens to reduce soil compaction and to remove organic matter. Aeration, or “coring” is the removal of small cores or plugs of soil with grass from the turf surface, leaving a small hole in the ground. The holes are typically ¼ to ⅝ of an inch on the greens, and ¾ to 1 inch on fairways and tees. The depth and distance apart of the holes varies according to the machine used and other factors. Most traditional aerators for greens penetrate 3 to 4 inches and the holes are spaced 2 inches by 2 inches apart. Aeration allows better penetration of air, water, and fertilizer into the root zone of the grasses. Although the surface is temporarily disrupted and a little bumpy, due to the holes, the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages from it. Sometime a top dressing of sand is also added into the holes to replace the soil removed and to improve the root zone conditions for the turf grass. Note: We recommend that golfers always call the golf courses they are interested in playing, and ask them for their plans for any maintenance work scheduled during the time frame when they will be visiting.
Courses That Allow Walking
COURSES THAT ALLOW WALKING – The following is the most recent list of Myrtle Beach golf courses that allow walking. Again, we suspect that there are some changes that need to be made to this roster as well, so be sure to have each packager and lodging property you are negotiating with fax, or e-mail, you their most current list before proceeding with your plans. Aberdeen
Azalea Sands - after 11:00 AM
Barefoot Resort - call ahead
Black Bear - after 3:00 PM
Burning Ridge - after 300 PM
Caledonia
Carolina National - members only
Carolina Shores
Cypress Bay - after 2:30 PM
DeBordieu - members only after noon
Dunes Club
Founder’s Club Pawleys Island
Heron Point - December and January
Indian Wells - after 3:00 PM
International World Tour
Island Green - after 2:00 PM
Litchfield
Myrtle Beach National - SouthCreek
Myrtle Beach National - West Course
Myrtlewood - PineHills
Pawleys Plantation - members only
Possum Trot - afternoons
Prestwick - members only
Quail Creek - after 3:00 PM
Reserve - members only
River Oaks - Gold members only
Shaftesbury Glen - call ahead
Thistle - after 1:00 PM
Tiger’s Eye
TPC
True Blue
Wachesaw - members only
Waterway Hills
Whispering Pines - after Noon
Wicked Stick
Willbrook - after 1:30 PM, members only
Overseeding
OVERSEEDING – Is the maintenance process where the golf courses cut the greens very close and put down a thin layer of sand and perennial Rye grass over the Bermuda grass. Golf courses in the Carolinas and in the Myrtle Beach area have Bermuda established at most key playing areas. Bermuda is a warm season turf grass that turns brown once soil temperatures dip below 50º to 55º in the fall. Bermuda doesn’t green up again until soil temperatures return into the mid-50’s in the spring. During the time when the Bermuda is dormant (no green leaf tissue), the golf courses overseed the key playing areas with the perennial Rye grass. Poa Trivialis is now the preferred choice on greens rather than Rye due to its easier establishment. The overseeding occurs generally September or October in the Carolinas on the fairways, tees, and greens. Roughs are usually not overseeded. The contrast between the green fairways and brown roughs in the winter months is pleasing to most golfers. Many courses in Myrtle Beach have bentgrass greens and these are not overseeded as they maintain green leaf color all year long. After overseeding the greens will look a little brown (sand), and for the first couple of days your ball will have a little sand rooster tail, but that’s about the only differences you will actually notice. Overseeding normally only affects the greens for about 5-7 days. Note: We recommend that golfers always call the golf courses they are interested in playing, and ask them for their plans for any maintenance work scheduled during the time frame when they will be visiting.
Rain Checks
RAIN CHECKS – Basically every course or lodging property issues rain checks or refunds for rounds missed due to inclement weather. Obviously, they prefer the rain checks, but we’d insist on refunds. They also will issue rain checks if you are forced to stop play due to bad weather, and cannot complete your round, but that may take some haggling on your part. Again, that insidious refund policy that there will be “no refunds for any unused portion of the package” clause can again come into play, but once you can simply demand that they waive all such clauses and conditions, and don’t forget to make them put it in writing.
Refunds
REFUNDS – With respect to refund policies, once again, they are all over the board and the golfers must be careful to really scrutinize them closely. One of the most insidious aspects of some refund policies is that there will be “no refunds for any unused portion of the package” clause. The packager, lodging property and golf courses can use this rarely mentioned clause to keep your money, regardless of whether you have to depart early, experience weather related problems or other acts of god or problems beyond your control. Once again the reality of a “buyer’s market” with respect to Myrtle Beach golf, works to the golfers benefit. Simply demand that they waive all such clauses and conditions, and don’t forget to make them put it in writing.
Deposits
DEPOSITS – While deposits are required to reserve lodging, tee times, etc. the policies in Myrtle Beach vary widely. Once again, deposit terms are highly negotiable because of the depressed market. We strongly advise golfers to never book any aspect of their travel, nor any other aspect or component of their vacation, except by credit card. If you foolishly elect to pay by personal check, or what’s even worse, to pay in cash, you’re really asking for trouble. Again, credit cards only! Don’t fall for the packagers or lodging properties spiel when they tell you that they need your full payment in advance in order for them “guarantee” your arrangements, because that’s 100% bovine excrement! Most packagers and lodging properties are notoriously slow payers, and sometimes the golf courses have to wait months before they get paid. That’s why they collect cart fees at the courses, so; at least they’ll have some cash flow. When booking any aspect of a Myrtle Beach golf vacation (or any other type of travel plans), we strongly recommend that golfers always ask exactly how much of their credit card limit the packager, lodging property or golf course will be putting on “hold.” If the amount exceeds $100 per person, dump ‘em.
Breakfast
BREAKFAST – Most golf packages include a “free” breakfast each morning, which, of course, you are paying for. While there are a lot of great breakfast offerings, there are an equal number of mediocre to absolutely awful spreads. What happens if you get a lousy one? Suppose you miss it? Tough luck pal! No refunds, no exceptions! In fact, the lodging properties love it when miss breakfast, because they pocket 100% of the breakfast allocation (they call it “breakage). Therefore, with breakfast joints everywhere you turn, and with prices starting at $2 plus taxes and gratuities, you may want to dump the package breakfast and pick your own spot to eat, or, better yet, go to a different place every day.
Tee Times Only
TEE TIMES ONLY - While there are a couple of so-called “tee times only” websites, they to are basically “shams” for some of the golf course owners or golf management companies. Again, their mission is to get you to tee it up on their courses. Don’t be lazy! Do the right thing and contact the courses you want to play directly. You can find all of the contact information you require on every golf course in the Myrtle Beach area on the Myrtle Beach Golf Association’s Golf Course Directory.
Golf Club Rentals
GOLF CLUB RENTALS – Please be advised that virtually all Myrtle Beach golf courses rent golf clubs for both men and women with prices ranging from $15 per set per day to $40 per set per day, depending on the course. You can also rent your sticks from ShipGolf at the Myrtle Beach Airport (888.696.7534 or 843.443.6000) for prices starting at $40 per set per day. They will also do group discounts.
Cart Fees
CART FEES – Since very few of the Myrtle Beach golf courses allow walking (and its usually limited to the afternoon) carts are required. Therein we find another “dirty little secret” of vacation golf packaging, the “surprise cart fees.” In order to suck golfers into booking their packages, many of the golf packagers and lodging properties intentionally omit the required cart fees from their pricing. Then, when the unsuspecting golfers arrive at the courses they are hit with cart fees as high as $40 per person. So be sure that cart fees are always included in your golf package, and that their inclusion is spelled-out in your confirmation.
Avoid the Finger Pointing
AVOID THE FINGER POINTING – Another serious, and all to prevalent problem with golf packages is the propensity of the packagers, lodging properties and golf courses to “pass the buck” when any disputes arise. The packager blames the lodging property and the golf course, the lodging property blames the packager and the golf course, the course blames the packager and the lodging property, while the poor, innocent golfers get screwed in the he-said she-said finger pointing. This is another great example of why golfers need to keep detailed records of all of their negotiations and agreements on hand 24/7, and why they should demand that every detail of their arrangements be put in writing among all parties involved.
Under-The-Table Deals
UNDER-THE-TABLE DEALS – Regrettably, we have found that a large majority of golf packagers have self-serving “inside deals” with certain courses (usually the crummier ones, or ones that they have an interest in). These questionable practices cause them look out for their “buddies” at the courses, instead of being objective and looking out for the golfers’ best interests. In order to drive the unsuspecting golfer to the courses that they have “deals” with, or which they have an interest in, these unscrupulous characters will do, and say, anything to keep golfers from playing any other courses. They habitually lie about the availability and conditions of courses where they don’t have a “deal,” or self-serving interest in. If you experience any of these dirty dealings and want to tell us about them, please e-mail us at.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Avoid The Myrtle Beach Tour
AVOID THE MYRTLE BEACH TOUR – With the over 100 golf courses in the area, loosely defined as Myrtle Beach, which stretches over an area approximately 80-miles long (from Southport, North Carolina, on the north, to Georgetown, South Carolina, on the south), and approximately 20-miles wide (from the Atlantic Ocean on the east and the Aynor community on the west), the inexperienced golfer can find themselves driving past 20 golf courses, only minutes from where they are staying, trying to get to a course that could be up to 90-minutes away. As a rule the golf packagers and lodging properties don’t think twice about how long, or far, golfers have to drive in order to get to a golf course, nor do they care. In fact, they’d happily send you to Charleston if they could make an extra buck off of a course there. Therefore, we strongly recommend that the golfers always confirm the driving time and mileage between their lodging property and the courses before booking any tee times. If it’s more than a 40-minute drive – forget it!
Replays
REPLAYS - This is the option to play a 2nd round in the afternoon on the same day, at the same facility. Most of the Myrtle Beach golf courses allow replays in the afternoon after completing your first round – subject to the availability of open tee times in the afternoon. A substantial number of courses don’t charge an additional green fee for afternoon replays, but instead charge a cart fee for replays. However, just as many courses do charge a reduced green fee for replays. There are several multi-course facilities that allow replays on their other courses, as long as the replay is on the same day. The afternoon replays are normally scheduled on a “first in, first off” schedule. Simply put, the golfers that tee off first in the morning will be the first ones back in to the clubhouse. Since they are the first ones back in, they are normally the first ones off for afternoon replays. During the heavy booking periods of February through April and October and November replay rounds may not be available. Be sure to make it clear that you want the replay rate, because if you don’t the golf course will try to charge you the prevailing round price. Also, if you book a specific tee time they will charge you full price.
Booking Tee Times
BOOKING TEE TIMES – When you are ready to book tee times please keep in mind that most quoted or posted rates (especially those found in the Myrtle Beach Golf Holiday golf planner, other so-called golf planners, booklets, brochures, magazines and on websites) are usually on the high-side, so ask for any “specials” and try to negotiate a better price for yourself (the larger your group, the better price you can negotiate). Before calling any courses, be sure that you have the specific dates that you plan to come, as there are as many as 15 rate changes per year on some of the “old guard” courses (yes, we agree that’s a stupid practice, but the idiots that do it have, themselves, been out-of-touch for a very long time). There are some lodging properties that also subscribe to this lunacy, and should be avoided. Remember to get prices that include green fees, cart fees, and taxes, also ask for their replay rates. We strongly recommend that golfers write down the full name and position of the person they talked to at the resort or golf course, as well as the date and time that they talked to them – and be sure to have this written information with them when they go to the courses.
AM vs. PM Tee Times
AM VS. PM TEE TIMES – While our personal preference is to play as late as possible each day (so we can sleep-in, have breakfast and a Bloody Mary, take our time getting to the course, hit some range balls, putt some and have another Bloody Mary), we are definitely in the minority when it comes to booking morning (AM) vs. afternoon (PM) tee times, and that’s precisely why morning tee times are always the most expensive. While prices and policies vary from course to course, most afternoon tee times are, at least, 30% cheaper than AM times. See, we’re cheap too.
The Golf Courses’ Big Lie
THE GOLF COURSES’ BIG LIE – The first question golfers usually ask when they contact a golf course is, “what kind of shape is your course in?” Warren Buffet once said, “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.” Likewise, never ask a golf course what kind of shape they’re in, because even if the course is one step away from being declared a toxic waste site, they’ll still tell you, “man, we’re in great shape!”
Single Tee Courses
SINGLE TEE COURSES - There are only a very few single tee golf courses in the Myrtle Beach area, because they are not as profitable as courses that have the capability to double tee, nor are they as convenient for the golfers. No “pit stops” at the turn for food or beverages, pro shop purchases (balls, rain gear, etc.), opportunities to grab something out of their vehicles or for the all important calls of nature. These courses, instead, depend on beverage cart service, but realistically there might not be any available during iffy weather, late afternoon play, during the winter or during slow periods. While single tee courses have halfway houses (for girls that don’t go all the way – old joke, couldn’t resist, sorry) and restrooms – a couple of them are actually heated in the winter, but you’re taking your chances on the halfway houses being open during the slow times. While there is no standard policy as to tee times on single tee courses they usually tee off continuously from 7:00 AM to about 3:00 PM, during standard time (late October through early April), and from 7:00 AM to about 5:00 PM during daylight saving time (early April through late October). The single teed courses include Barefoot – Fazio and Norman, Myrtlewood – Palmetto, Panther’s Run, Tiger’s Eye, and Wild Wing – Avocet.
Double Teeing
DOUBLE TEEING – Is what used to known as “cross teeing.” It is the practice of sending golfers off of the 1st and 10th tees simultaneously, to maximize a golf course’s play and profitability. Only courses that “turn” at the clubhouse after 9-holes can double tee. The vast majority of the courses in the Myrtle Beach area double tee, except during the slow summer months, on slow days and around Christmas.
Tee Times
TEE TIMES – While studies have shown that 11-minute tee times produce the smoothest operation and best pace-of-play, most Myrtle Beach courses instead cram their customers into 8-minute intervals, and basically say, “screw the golfers, we’ll just make the rangers push ‘em harder,” which is the primary reason for slow play, and grumpy rangers. The morning (AM) flight is usually from 7:00 AM to 9:30 AM during standard time (late October through early April). The afternoon (PM) flight usually runs from noon to 1:00 PM. During daylight saving time (early April through late October) the afternoon flight usually runs from noon to 2:30 PM. There are no tee times available between 9:30 AM and noon, or after 2:30 PM except for some 9-hole play.
What Are Resort Fees?
WHAT ARE RESORT FEES? – While the total applicable taxes in South Carolina amount to only 10%, several of the lodging properties are arbitrarily adding a 2% to 4% fee to the vacationer’s room charges. Some others arbitrarily add $2 to $5 per night to the bill. What does the guest actually get for these sneaky add-ons? Stuff that they used to get for free, like access to the health club, local telephone calls, running water, a telephone, a TV, towels, windows – you get the picture. Of course, they rarely tell the suckers about these fees. They just stick them on the bill at checkout, and hope that the chumps won’t notice them. Needless to say, we would choose at a more reputable property, because these kinds of operators are usually the same ones who only provide clean towels when a guest demands them, and instead of giving the guests fresh sheets they only give them a fresh bottom sheet, while they move the dirty bottom sheet to the top sheet spot. Now, isn’t that enough to make your skin crawl? If you do happen to find any of these hidden fees, or any other charges that you believe to be unwarranted, on your bill, demand to see the General Manager, or Manager on Duty (MOD), and raise hell with them and they will probably take it off your bill. If they don’t, as soon as you get home file a complaint with your credit card company and the following consumer groups… Better Business Bureau of Myrtle Beach 1601 Oak Street Myrtle Beach, SC 29577 843.839.0544 Myrtle Beach Chamber of Commerce Ethics Department 1200 North Oak Street Myrtle Beach, SC 29578 843.916.7225 Myrtle Beach Hospitality Association Ethics Department 1200 North Oak Street Myrtle Beach, SC 29578 843.626.9668
South Carolina Department of Consumer Affairs
Post Office Box 5757
3600 Forest Drive, 3rd Floor
Columbia, South Carolina 29250
803.734.4200
In North Carolina…
Brunswick County Chamber of Commerce
4948 Main Street
Shallotte, NC 28459
910.754.6644
800.426.6644
North Carolina Department of Justice
Consumer Protection Section
Post Office Box 629
Raleigh, NC 27602-0629
919.716.6000
Read the Fine Print
READ THE FINE PRINT – If it wasn’t so reprehensible, the “fine print” disclaimers we find hidden away in “price-driven” advertisements for golf packages to Myrtle Beach would be funny. Here are some of those disclaimers that “bait and switchers” use… “Rates are based on double occupancy,” or “Rates are based on two persons per bedroom,” or “Rates are based on four persons per unit (condo)” “A minimum two, three, four night stay is required,” or “One week stay is required” “Weekends or holidays rates may be higher” “Cart fees are not included,” or “Cart fees must be paid at the golf courses” “Rates are based upon unit availability,” or “Some unit types may require additional charges” “Taxes are not included” “Resort fees are not included”
What You See Isn’t Always What You Get
WHAT YOU SEE ISN’T ALWAYS WHAT YOU GET – Don’t get sucked in by all of the pretty pictures of the golf courses, and especially the lodging properties, that you see in advertisements, literature or on the Internet, as they can sometimes be very out-dated and misleading. Some Myrtle Beach properties are still using shots that are over 10-years old. Also, since many of the lodging properties make their money from management fees, and upkeep and renovations cut into their revenues, they put off any improvements for as long as they possibly can, or just refuse to do any at all. We know of a couple of large resort groups with old properties that haven’t done anything to any of their units except to slop some paint on the walls, throw down some cheap carpet and change the curtains and linens. Therefore, we recommend that vacationers find out how old a property is, if there is a new addition or when the last renovation occurred (and what they actually did), before booking. Better yet, find a newer facility. Many golfers now look for future lodging options while they are here.
Rates and Pricing
RATES AND PRICING - Regrettably, since the Myrtle Beach Golf Association doesn’t sell golf vacations, golf packages or tee times we cannot provide any rates or pricing. We do have a cross-section of 40 area golf courses that we track in order to provide the golfers with an overview of the prevailing average prices for morning and afternoon green fees, cart fees and taxes. One can find this information on the MBGA.COM crawl, which runs across the top of the MBGA Home, Course Directory, Player’s Top 20 and Basement pages. Remember, the crawl only reflects ‘today’s’ rates, and have no bearing on what rates will be during your golf vacation. For lots of rates go to http://www.golfholiday.com/planner.cfm and get a copy of the tacky golf vacation planner you’ll find there. You will find more prices in that thing than you can swallow, but keep in mind that all of their prices are high, and that you can do a whole lot better on your own. Use their prices as your starting point for your bargaining, and remember, that the odds are that if you find any low rates in that planner they are likely to be “bait and switchers.”
Price Fixing
PRICE FIXING – The Myrtle Beach Golf Association is constantly being asked if there’s “price fixing” going on with the golf rates in the Myrtle Beach area, and the answer is YES, and NO! Every fall the golf courses get together to try and “fix” the golf rates for the next year, which, of course, if they were successful, would be a direct violation of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act of 1970 (RICO). However, as soon as they’ve gotten all of their rates “fixed,” and send them out to the lodging properties and golf packagers, the wheels start flying off their “fixes,” and the real fun begins. It quickly becomes a dog-eat-dog, screw-your-buddy free-for-all as the unscrupulous lodging operators - many of whom can be found in the Myrtle Beach Golf Association’s Lodging Basement - www.mbga.com/basement.htm - and the “price is all that matters” golf packagers start calling the courses demanding a “better rate” than the new “fixed” rate. If the golf courses don’t knuckle under to their demands, the lodging operators and golf packagers then threaten them, by saying that they’ll take their golf rounds elsewhere if the courses don’t roll over and play dead. The courses, being the spineless twits they are, always wimp-out, and cut the best “discounted” rate they can with anyone that pressures them. This insanity results in rate swings of up to $50 per round, depending upon the course. As to the lunacy of the gazillion rate changes a year - some of the moronic lodging properties have as many as 15 rate changes a year - several of the golf course operators, that actually have brains and scruples, have tried to establish a simple four rates per year system. Spring:Mid-February - May as the highest rate; Summer: June - mid-September as the 2nd lowest rate; Fall: Mid-September - Thanksgiving as the 2nd highest rate and Winter: Thanksgiving - mid-February as the lowest rate. Of course, this made too much sense, and would have put an end to all of the nefarious opportunities for the lodging operators and golf packagers to continue their tactics of confusing and screwing-over the traveling golfers with their multi-rate bait ‘n switch shenanigans, so, as usual, another GREAT idea died on the Myrtle Beach golf industry vine.
Myrtle Beach Golf Seasons
MYRTLE BEACH GOLF SEASONS – There are four distinct Myrtle Beach Golf Seasons, which are… Spring – February through May - This is the busiest, and most lucrative golf season for the golf courses, and is the most expensive for the golfers. The golfers that come during this season come with all of their buddies to golf, eat and party. Summer - June through Mid-September - This is the 2nd slowest, and one of least lucrative golf seasons for the golf courses, and is tied with the winter as the cheapest season for the golfers. The majority of golfers during this season are primarily guys in-town on beach vacations with their mates, of families, that play golf one or two times if “Mama will allow them to.” Fall – Mid-September through November - This is the 2nd busiest, and 2nd most lucrative golf season for the golf courses, and is 2nd most expensive for the golfers. The golfers that come during this season tend to be more affluent than any other season, but they too come with all of their buddies to golf, eat and party. Also, there is more play by couples. Winter – December and January - This is the slowest, and least lucrative golf season for the golf courses, and is tied with the summer as the cheapest time of the year for the golfers. The golfers that come during this season come simply for the cheap prices.
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